TEDDY BEAR ⎯ rucas

3

There's a certain feeling associated with whatever was going through my mind. I felt empty — almost — and I wasn't sure where my pain was coming from or why it was there in the first place. There was always going to be a part of me that would love Lucas but that's normal. No one ever stops loving their first love but the love I felt for him never extended past a familial, friendly kind of love.

"Excuse me I need to use the restroom." I placed my napkin on my seat and grabbed my phone from its place next to the knife. Escaping out the window didn't seem like such a horrible idea.

Everyone went back to discussing the wedding details with Lucas and Faith, excited for the soon to be newlyweds. Even my mother found some sort of interest in a wedding that she wasn't going to be invited to; she was probably living out whatever fantasy and hopes she had of me getting married through the couple. 

There were only three places I allowed myself to cry in: my bedroom, the shower, and the bathroom. Ideally, I didn't like crying or want to do it, but if I ever felt the urge to, I made sure I was in my room, near a bathroom, or taking a shower.

When I finally reached the bathroom, I shut the door — a bit too loudly — and sat down on the floor.

Lucas and Faith Friar.

I thought about the day Lucas left and how I didn't fully process that our goodbye would be our last goodbye.

We stood in his now empty room, staring at the blank walls and shelves. I still hadn't felt that sadness everyone said I would. My heart felt hollow more than anything and I wasn't sure if it was because something was wrong with me or because I didn't love Lucas the way I thought I did. Or maybe I just didn't love him as much as he did me. Didn't that happen in some relationships? One person gives slightly more than the other?

It was odd not seeing all of his baseball trophies or speech and debate certificates plastering the walls. He always surprised people with his hobbies; people believed that because he looked like such a "pretty boy" he would never think of joining speech and debate. But he did. And he was fucking good at it too.

"Riley... Please say something. You haven't said much since that day I told you I was leaving and I can't bear the thought of not hearing your voice everyday." I turned to face him — his head was in between his hands and I could hear in his voice that it was taking everything in him to not cry.

"Lucas," his name fell off my lips so smoothly as if I had been saying it my whole life. "I love you. And I don't ever want you to doubt that." The sad green—eyed boy stood up from his bed and inched closer to me. I loved him. I loved him. I loved him.

"I love you. So much. I won't ever forget you Riley and I won't move on until I see you again because I know I will. This story hasn't ended." It was different to hear him be the optimistic one in our relationship since that role usually landed on me, but I could barely figure out how I felt about anything.

"Do you want to know something?" I asked. Lucas nodded and placed a gentle kiss on my forehead, letting his lips linger there for awhile.

"I hate people who say 'you mean the world to me'. And I don't hate anything because I feel like it uses up a lot of energy and that energy could be better placed somewhere else—" Lucas chuckled a little, shaking his head.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing. You're just really cute when you go on your rants." My cheeks felt warmer and I didn't need a mirror to check to see whether or not I compared to a pale rose. "But sorry, what were you saying?" I took a deep breath and tried to not break down all of a sudden.