decoding the boys ✔️

55 | pinipili

"Jacob," he reminded, warning.

Kuya Jacob creased his forehead, ignoring him. "He's already using you against me," he said in bitter resentment.

"No, Kuya. Hindi siya gano'n. Tingin mo 'di ko naisip 'yan? I'm not stupid. Matagal kong pinag-isipan kung ano talaga but I saw who he really is, what he truly is. He's not a bad guy. Kaya Kuya, please. Give us a chance. Nahihirapan na ako. I was wrong to lie to you but that's only because I was afraid to hurt you, to lose you. If you tell me to leave him, hindi ko kakayanin. It's like asking me not to bleed when it's you who fired the frigging bullet. Ang daya daya n'yo kasi, e. Nasasakal na ako sa inyo."

"You don't understand. Marami kang hindi alam!"

"Then make me understand! Tell me why!" sigaw ko out of desperation. "Bakit? Bakit ba galit na galit ka sa kanya? Is it even about those two guys, yung mga kaibigan mo? 'Cause I feel like there's something else here."

Natigilan si Kuya. Something quick and jarring flashed in his eyes for a second, but it was gone as fast as it came. I hit a nerve, I knew, because his stance changed into something more guarded and angry.

I paused, my breathing becoming ragged and heavy. This was all turning out so wrong. We were not supposed to fight. I wasn't supposed to lose my cool but all the accusations he was hurling about Racel's character unnerved the hell out of me and I couldn't just not say anything to defend him.

"You can't keep dating him," Kuya said after a while with a tone of finality, "I won't let you."

I shook my head weakly. "You can't control me forever. Alam kong mali ako na nagtago ako sa inyo. Pero ako lang ba? You guys were too restrictive and close-minded."

"So you're going to fight for him? At our expense? I can't believe this," he said, aggravated.

"No, of course not! Ayokong pumili," frantic kong sinagot. My mind was spinning and I had no idea what else to say or do to make him see reason. "Please. Don't make me choose. Hindi ko kaya. It doesn't have to be a choice. Please, just give us a chance. Papatunayan namin na totoo kung ano man ang meron sa 'min. I love him, Kuya. Please think about how I feel," I begged in tears.

Nawawalan na ako ng pag-asa at nauubusan na rin ako ng lakas.

"I'm thinking about how you'll feel kaya ko ginagawa 'to! I'm being a brother to you but I can't keep this up if you'll stay with him. Not Gutierez. I won't watch you bleed for that fucker." Nakita ko ang namumuong mga luha sa gilid ng mga mata niya. Kumirot ang puso ko. My brother never cried. Ngayon lang.

At dahil sa 'kin 'yon. Fuck! Fuck talaga!

Can't keep this up.

'Yon ang sinabi niya. Alam ko ang ibig sabihin no'n. He was making the choice for me. I knew everything else was futile by then.

Humikbi ako at lalong bumuhos ang mga luha. Hindi ko na alam ang sasabihin ko. Pagod na pagod na ako kakaiyak at sobrang blangko na ng isip ko.

Wala na. Wala na akong pwedeng sabihin pa para mabago ang isip niya. I failed. I couldn't make him understand. He was shut off right from the beginning. Siguro alam ko na 'to simula pa lang kaya hindi ko rin talaga maamin-amin sa kanya ang lahat.

It's over. I'd lose one for the other. I couldn't have them both. Wala na talaga. Everything had blown and I was left to pick up the pieces from the damage.

Lalo akong nanghina. Nangatog ang mga tuhod ko. I grabbed the edge of the couch to keep me steady.

"I don't want to lose my brother," I whispered in a broken voice, helpless and trembling.

For a while, none of us spoke. Only his labored breathing and my erratic sobs filled the excruciating silence looming over us.

"You lost me the day you started lying to me," he said just when I thought I couldn't cry more. He lifted his eyes to meet mine and the hurt, disappointment and disbelief swirling there knocked me absolutely breathless. This man of anger and fury was so far apart from the loving brother that I knew. Paano kami napunta sa sitwasyon na 'to when we were so close? Iniisip ko pa lang na magbabago na ang lahat ay parang 'di ko na kinakaya.

I sobbed, almost panting, and more tears fell in streams down my cheeks. I placed my hands on my face, unable to endure the storm of emotions raging inside. Ang hirap. Ang sakit sakit. Lalo na't si Kuya Jacob ito.

"I thought we are one. I guess I was wrong. Pinagmukha mo akong tanga. You clearly chose him over me," he spat like venom.

Exhaustion filled every bone in my body. "Don't make me leave him. I can't choose between you two. Hindi ko kaya," hagulgol ko.

"'Di ka makapili? Yung hayop na 'yon, gano'n na talaga siya kahalaga sa 'yo? Kasing timbang na namin sa 'yo?" Kuya said in mixed exasperation and incredulity. "I trusted you, Javee. I did everything to protect you. I can't believe you'll disappoint us like this. Others I can understand but you? Not you. But you did. I always thought it was us against the world pero yung gagong 'yon pa pala ang sisira. Siya pa pala ang pipiliin mo."

"Hindi ko siya pinipili, Kuya," I croaked.

The steely expression on his face told me everything I needed to know. I already lost him. He'd gone to a place where nothing I'd say would reach him.

"Kaya mo ba siyang iwan?" malamig niyang tanong.

Hindi ako nakasagot. I knew I couldn't. I tried. Hindi ko kaya. Especially not now, not after everything. Not ever.

That was when I realized it. Maybe I did choose from the start. I chose Racel and I was just stalling the inevitable under the pretense that I'd find a chance and make my brother understand. Fatal mistake.

Kuya's lips twitched and he said in a very low, broken voice, "I thought as much. Tell that ass he won." Kita ko ang sakit at tabang sa mga mata niya nang umalis siya ng bahay.

"Kuya, wait lang!" tawag ko pero hindi niya man lang ako nilingon.

Gusto ko siyang pigilan pero hindi ako makagalaw. Ang sakit ng dibdib ko. Hindi ako makahinga dahil sa sobrang paghikbi.

"I hope you know what you are doing," Mathev said bago lumabas ng bahay. Nakasunod sa kanya ang iba ko pang mga pinsan. Bahagyang tumingin sa 'kin si Gian, ginugulo ang buhok niya. Disappointment was plain in his eyes. Then, he sighed and stormed out too.

When I caught Kuya Paul looking at me, he merely shook his head, patted my shoulder, and went after his twin brother.

Si Kuya Andrei lang ang nanatili at niyakap ako. But I could not accept his embrace. I lied to him, too. I couldn't ask for any comfort right now. I deserved to be scorched like this. Though it was liberating to let the cat out of the bag, this wrenching feeling in my chest wouldn't go away. The pain was unbearable. Lalo na nang maalala ko ang mga sinabi niya sa 'kin nung debut ko.

I was your bestfriend. We were solid. Partners in crime. It was us against the world.

Ngayon, ano na kami? Wala na. Nasira na. We were bestfriends. Now, we were nothing. Not even brothers and sisters dahil pati 'yon, nasira na. Kung maayos man kami, iba na. May lamat na. It would never be the same.

Paulit-ulit sa isip ko ang mga sinabi niya kanina. You lost me.

Ang sakit. Parang gumuho ang mundo ko sa mga binitawan niyang salita.

I backed away slowly with what little strength that I had, but my knees gave out. I knelt on the floor, crying.

Umiyak ako nang umiyak. Kuya Andrei was right at my side instantly, pulling me to his chest, whispering soothing gentle words I couldn't even process. Wala na akong lakas na itulak siya. Hinayaan ko lang na bumuhos nang bumuhos ang mga luha ko. The hurt wouldn't stop.

I just lost my precious relationship with my brother. I didn't know how else to cope with it.