i never promised you a rose garden » fillie

» chapter 3 «

f i n n ☁︎

I should have known that something bad was bound to happen when secrets were kept.

The depression stayed secret. It wasn't hard to fake a smile or pretend to be happy. I was an actor, and that's what actors did. I was just acting all day and night, pretending to be someone I wasn't without ever resting.

I didn't realize how bad it could get. I underestimated depression. A few days after the doctor's appointment, I couldn't get out of bed. I laid there until my mom found me. I had turned my head and tried to speak, but no words would come out. She called the doctor in a panic. He calmly told her that it was leaden paralysis, a symptom of atypical depression.

It messed with my eating habits as well. Some days, I would be so hungry, and others, my appetite would become nonexistent. Mom and Nick worried about me a lot. I did too when I could bring myself to care about me. I was always so tired. I could be getting over ten hours of sleep a night and still feel like I had only gotten four.

I didn't understand these changes, and neither did the rest of the cast. They didn't know it was depression. Mom told the Duffer Brothers that it was a hormone imbalance, one that caused me to have an increased or decreased appetite, mood sensitivity, and headaches. I could still film, but everyone had to expect that I would be unpredictable and that some scenes would have to be pushed back if I was feeling not good.

"You okay, Finnie?" Millie asked, seating herself next to me. It was my first day back at set, and luckily, I was having one of my better days. I wasn't happy, but I definitely wasn't depressed. I was just existing.

"Yeah, just tired."

"You're always tired," she weakly smiled.

"The life of an actor."

"It's dat boi, oh shit waddup? What are you losers talking about?" Caleb asked with a grin. Gaten and Noah followed him to their spot.

"Sleep," Millie answered.

"I'm sleepy; I got six hours of sleep last night," Gaten yawned.

"Eight," Millie said.

"I got eight and a half hours," Caleb said.

"Nine," Noah proudly said.

"Something like eight for me," I finished. That was a lie. I was up all night, tossing and turning. I probably got three solid hours at the most.

"We need more sleep," Gaten commented, plopping down next to Millie. Caleb and Noah were left standing.

"Want to get lunch after this?" Caleb asked, looking at us.

"I'm not hungry, but you all can go," I replied.

"Are you sure, Finnster?" Gaten asked, his voice filled with concern.

"It's the hormone imbalance," I brushed it off. "I'm fine, guys."

"You're a brave person, Finnie," Millie sighed. "I wish I was brave."

"Okay, Miss UNICEF advocate, passionate vocal feminist, and talented world-famous actress-singer-model," Gaten said and rolled his eyes.

"You know what-"

"KACHOW!" I interrupted.

"Oh my god," Millie inhaled, not noticing how she set herself up for the next meme.

"Boi!" Noah added, clasping his hands together and leaning forward with a mixed facial expression of a grimace and smile. Millie glared at him.

"Dankest memes right here," Caleb laughed.