Girl of Never (Chat MD Series #4)

Day 362.8

(Harry's letter together with the red beryl ring)

Jianna,

Sa loob ng dalawang taon mula nang mawala si Neah, wala akong ibang inisip at inalala kundi siya. I wrote her letters everyday. Nung una, dahil nami-miss ko siya. It was hard to wake up knowing there was no more of her. Later on, naging habit na. My day would start and end with a letter to her.

Hindi ako nagpapakita sa bahay namin para umiwas sa argument. Nung umalis ako sa Stanford para alagaan si Neah, nagalit si Dad. We all knew na mas malaki ang posibilidad na hindi kayanin ni Neah ang mabuhay kahit pagkatapos ng heart transplant. Dad wanted to save me from the pain of losing her. Pero matigas ang ulo ko. I thought, I could take on the tragedy. I decided that it was okay to break my heart.

Hindi rin ako masyadong nagpapakita noon sa trolls at kay Helga. Nung una, dahil nasasaktan ako. Magkakasama kami nung buhay pa si Neah. They knew how much I waited for a chance with her. They knew how I pursued her. Sa lahat ng ngawa at kadramahan at kalokohan ko, dahil kay Neah, para kay Neah, alam nila. Seeing them without her pains me. Nung mga sumunod pa, hindi pa rin ako nagpapakita sa kanila dahil pinapayuhan naman nila kong mag-move on. At matigas ang ulo ko.

Ayokong makalimutan si Neah.

It's my promise not to forget my love for her. Dahil akala ko, yun ang gusto niya. Dahil ganun ko siya gustong mahalin kahit na wala na siya. Dahil bukod sa matigas ang ulo ko, ganito ako magmahal.

I have this stubborn, foolish heart.

For two years, I succeeded in keeping Neah in my heart and in my mind. Kahit na marami akong tanong.

Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit siya nawala. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit ako naiwan. I couldn't make sense why things had to happen the way they did.

Ginawa ko naman lahat. I begged to the heavens. I cried. I bargained.

Ginawa niya rin lahat. She wanted to live so much. She pained all her life because of her fragile heart.

Kaya bakit hindi na lang siya nabuhay? Bakit hindi na lang ako namatay kasabay niya? Bakit kailangan kong mabuhay na wala siya?

Everyday, these truths and these questions kill a part of me, that I thought, maybe I was only meant to suffer.

But you came.

Habang akala ko, okay lang ako, dumating ka.

You bring with you the good things that threatened my resolve to be left alone. You bring with you your laughter, your wit, your persistence, your heart. You bring with you a ray of happiness that could crack and pass through my walls. You bring with you a love with its weight anchoring on me.

You are infectious and you are inevitable.

I was not ready for you.

The first time I felt something for you, I was ashamed of myself. How did you do it? How could you? With you, it's easy to be like my old self. Ang bilis makalabit ng mga punch lines sa isip ko kapag ikaw ang kausap ko. It's as if, you held open the lid of the urn where I buried myself, my laughter, my humor.

Madaling kumain kasama ka. Madaling magtrabaho. Madaling matulog. Madaling mabuhay.

The second time I felt something for you, I was sad. Dahil pano mo nagagawang bigyan ako ng pakiramdam? With you, I become aware of the weather; the rain, the thunder, the heat, the cold. With you, I feel lighter. With you, it's easier to laugh. With you, I get mad. With you, I get sad.

Kung wala ka, hindi ko sana mararamdamang matagal na pala akong walang pakiramdam.

The third time I felt something for you, I was angry. I wanted to push you away… far away from me. But pushing you made me angrier, too. Dahil lalo kitang hinahanap habang lalo kitang tinataboy. Lalo kitang iniisip habang lalo akong nagpipigil. Lalo kitang ginugusto habang lalo kitang tinatalikuran. Lalo kitang tinitingnan at binabantayan habang ang gusto ko ay kalimutan ka. I long for you and it's unfair—unfair to you, to me, and to Neah.

The fourth time I felt something for you, I was in despair. Nakakalimutan ko si Neah dahil sayo. Nakakalimutan kong ipagluksa siya. Nakakalimutan kong dapat siya lang ang mahalaga. Every moment with you is a moment to breathe. Every moment with you is a moment to live. And I couldn't accept nor face it.

This feeling continued to test and mock my efforts to get you out of my system. It laughs because it's futile. Still, I tried to go against this. I pushed you away. I told you things I was telling myself, too—to stop, to let go, to forget.

I hurt you… until I hear your heart break inside my chest. Until I cry your tears. Until I want to punch my face for being difficult.

I was that stubborn and that foolish. But this love for you is greater than myself and my reasons.

This love made me surrender. It made me asked foolish questions again.

Paano kung hindi nawala si Neah? Paano kung nabuhay siya? Paano kung hindi mo ko minahal? Mamahalin ba kita?

I pondered over these. I prayed to the heavens again. I asked Neah.

Alam ko… kung nabuhay si Neah, siguradong kasal na kami ngayon. I would have started a family with her right away. She wouldn't have had to break up with me in a video and you would have met me as her husband.

It's ideal. Kaya bakit hindi na lang siya nabuhay?

Then I realized exactly why.

She didn't make it because that's the limitation of the heart given to her. I was selfish and blinded because of love that I couldn't accept that fact. I was ungrateful of the chance given to us to meet and love. Instead of thanking the Higher Power for letting us cross paths, I was forcing my will. I wanted things to happen ideally—the way I want it. But who am I to decide that she should live longer than she did? What do I know of life and His plans?

I was naive.

Neah and I didn't get to marry because it wasn't meant to be. Gaya ng sabi niya sa video, I was given to her by God. But I was not meant for her. Nor was she meant to stay with me. Nor was I meant to keep on loving her after she was gone and you happened.

That's when I also knew that I am meant for you.

There is a Higher Power who wanted us together.

I fell for you even when I resisted, even when I begged my heart not to, even when I tortured myself over it… because I am meant to fall for you.

I was meant to meet Neah, love her, hurt for her, endure with her and die for her… so I would leave Medicine and meet you in research. We met in a situation wherein you would recognize me in my pain and I would recognize you as my cure.

I was meant to meet her first so I could be prepared to receive you. I was broken by her first so I could be prepared to be mend by you. I was left by her first so I would know how to keep you.

Everything happened the way it was meant to—perfectly. For this love.

So, there are no what if's.

This love for you, with you, is meant to happen.

You are not my second love. You are my second life.

I love you as someone dying who is given another breath. And when the dead is given a life again, we don't call that life as someone lesser than the first. We call it a miracle.

So, in the future, in case someone questions how genuine this fate is… remember that I am living a second life because of my love for you.

You are my miracle. You are my breath. You are the only thing this stubborn, foolish heart recognizes after my first death.

And from now on, I will love you without holding back. I will love you properly. I will love you like a sick man getting his medicine.

I will love you exactly how you should be loved—with every breath I take.

I love you, Jianna.

- Harry Lastimosa