How come I let myself get talked into taking a year off? I knew I couldn't be trusted alone-silence kills me. No, my thoughts kill me. The silence just lets my horrid thoughts take over. The silence lets those thoughts invade my head, lets them control me. The more I let myself sit in silence, the more they scream. Even with music being played, I still somehow drift back into my thoughts. I think about how I've let them think that I'm not broken. I've let them think, for I've become broken. I've come to the conclusion that I can't break the silence. It's not just a dream. My thoughts, they tear at my heart, like I have no desire to be someone more, something more. They tear at my mind, like it's not as complicated as it seems. Like I haven't been contemplating the same thing since last summer.
As I sit in this silence, it overwhelms me. Surrounds me, fills my head with thoughts and feelings I don't want. With no sound, no one to distract me, my thoughts take over. They destroy me. Fortunately, my thoughts are interrupted by the sound of the front door opening.
"Alana?" I hear the faint sound of my mother's voice, coming from the front door.
"Yeah, Mom! I'm in here!" I say, referring to my bedroom.
"Alana Ann-Merie. I asked you to take a year off so you could spend time with your family, Spencer, and Zoe. Not so you could mope around in your room!" My mothers stern words echoed through the hall.
Before I could even think of an appropriate response, my mother comes barging into my room, looking slightly irked. Her wavy brown hair, pinned up in a-oddly perfect-half up half down bun. Her big brown eyes settle on my still figure sitting in the corner of my room on my bed, wrapped up in a big, pink, cozy blanket. Her eyes drift to my phone, obviously taking note of the music being quietly played from it.
"Please, Alana, Honey... Please, get up. Go on a walk. Do something." I open my mouth to respond, but my mother continued her speech, "I understand Spencer, Zoe, and your sister are in school, so you can't hang out with them constantly. And that I work... but, you can do other things you know." She rushed, knowing I would interrupt if she hadn't.
"Look, Ma... You know I have a hard time being alone... But, for your sake, yes. I will go on a walk. Please go back to work. I don't want you taking off for me... again." I pleaded. Suddenly, feeling guilty.
"I'm on my lunch break." she clarified. Making the guilty feeling slightly fade away.
-
Sighing defeatedly, I stood from my bed. Walking over to my closet, I grab a hoodie and tennis shoes. After slipping on my hoodie, I bend over to put on and tie my shoes.
Standing in front of my mirror, I contemplate brushing my hair. "I could just put it in a messy bun, I already look a mess..." I ponder to myself. "Or I could not be lazy and brush my hair. Maybe even put it into a ponytail?" I consider.
Finally, deciding on just taking the easy way out, I throw my hair into a messy bun and walk down the hallway into the kitchen. Slowly walking over to the fridge like the lackadaisical bum I am, I grab an apple, water bottle, and a small vine of grapes. Finally I headed to the door to go on that walk I promised my mother.
"Mom! I'm heading out for a walk, I'll be back before dinner!" I shout, waiting patiently for a response before closing the door and heading out. "Okay, honey! Be safe, please!" My punctilious mother responds. "Always do." I say closing the door behind me.
Before taking even one step off our patio, I grab my phone out of my pocket along with my headphones and quickly turn on twenty one pilots, trapdoor. Then, sending a text (or ten) to Zoe.
Me: Heading on a walk, wish me luck! Come over for dinner? xx
Zoe Steele: Sure! Why would you willingly go on a walk?? xx
Me: haha you think it was my idea? Nope. My mother thinks I need exercise or something.
Zoe Steele: Oh... Good luck see you at 5:30? xx
Me: Yup 5:30 works! xx love you!
Zoe Steele: Love you more! xx
I click on Spencer's name next.
Me: Spencer! Mom's making me EXERCISE!!! Pray for me.
Me: Also, dinner at my house 5:30?
Spencer Quinn: Ofc! Ew who does she think you are? Captain America?
Me: Was thinking the same thing... See you then!! Love you xx
Spencer Quinn: Love you more xx
Noticing the smile on my face again, I walk down the sidewalk. I had nowhere in particular to go, but i just kept walking and walking. My thoughts slowly taking over once again. So for me, walking in silence, no sound but the music blasting in my ears and the cars speeding by, my thoughts take over. I've been stripped down to a point where I have no tears left. I feel nothing. I stop walking and just watch. I watch the cars drive by, I watch the clouds slowly moving. Just watch. I either feel nothing or feel everything. I just want to feel normal again. I'm not depressed, but i'm not necessarily happy either. It's not pain nor happiness; just nothing. I feel empty. I feel lost. So as I stand in this silence, I let myself think. I let my thoughts tear at me. I let it rip my heart piece by piece- for I did not feel empty. I felt full. Whether it was a good feeling or not, at least I could feel.
-
You know, they say, "Never stop dreaming," but what they'll never see is that I always wake up screaming.
-
5:20. It's 5:20 and I'm still fifteen minutes away from my house. My mother will panic and Zoe and Spencer will be upset I'm late AGAIN! Group Message! I start a group with Spencer, Zoe, my Mother, and I.
Me: Fifteen minutes away! gunna be a little late... xx
Zoe Steele: When are you not?
Spencer Quinn: ^^ she's right, you know.
Mother: Love you honey... but you're always late.
Me: Oh,
Me: :(
Me: If I actually cared enough, I'd run home to be on time to prove a point. But, exercise is gross.
-
I actually made it there being only two minutes late. Still late. But, only by two minutes.
"Your sister is going to sleep over at Wren's so if Zoe and Spencer would like to sleep over..." My mother says not finishing for emphasis. I look over to Zoe and Spencer asking their opinions without even opening my mouth.
"Love to! Thanks, Ms. Skyes!" Zoe enthusiastically states.
"I also would love to! I don't have any homework for once, so I'm all good to go." Spencer smiles.
"Great! Movies?"
YOU ARE READING
the unspoken
Teen Fiction"Too much perfection is a mistake, Alana. Never forget that. Never forget the true meaning of your life. To care, to care so much it's painful." Do you know what it's like to live a normal life? Not, extraordinary, not un-ordinary, just normal? To...
