...Dread...

The meaning of family ❤️

Sorry for the grammar spelling mistakes etc i haven't had the chance to edit this but i hope you like it
BTW: play the music attached when reading it all the way through ...<3

When you first hear about it, you denied the thought of it,
you deny the fact,
you deny it all.
Every time you start to question it you push it away.
"its not true'
'hes ok'
'its a lie' you laughed about it..
Then its time to go , its time to face it , to see reality, which still doesn't seem to register in your Godforsaken mind.
As u walk calmly towards those big white framed doors, your breath hitches in your throat,
You stop ...
Your entires body freezes; his name leaves your lips so softly, merely above a whisper. The only thing you can see,
The only thing you can hear is
his voice, it rings, it penetrates throughout your skull making sure to leave a scar. As his name bounces off the walls of your brain
My brother.. a single silent tear hits the floor and then it hits you... your feet begin to move on their own.
Numbing out your surroundings, you dont feel anymore. Your only thoughts being..1
'i need to get to him i need to see him ...
"run, run as fast as you can and dont stop' as if on instinct feeding off of adrenaline and that picture of his body laying there fighting for his life, fighting eternal slumber that overwhelms him, fighting to stay here.
the only things keeping you from falling
All those times he pissed you off those times he made you cry those times he made you laugh its all you can think of
'God please dont take him away from me.. not today, not now, not ever...please...' silent prayers from the heart that count the most..
Its happened before many times but you'd never think
it would never cross your mind even the thought of it ... ridiculous.. it's impossible for it to happen in your own family
Its not possible... i refuse it
But thats the thing it did happen its already happened
The denial makes the truth harder to face...
The feeling of numbness, its overwhelming
running through those doors and not knowing what to expect
left, right, centre those tear stricken faces
..dread, anxiousness, regret take over your core shaking you like it never has before
never have i felt like this before

Feeling everything yet nothing all at once
As i snap my head left to right on instict my feet pad against the white tiled hospital floors
not caring not watching anyone else knowing where i need to go not knowing what ill find at the destination .. nausea
Waiting for them to just tell you its going to be ok thats hes ok the feeling of dread taking over your limbs and to the very core of your entire existence
So many unanswered questions
So many feelings you cant take at once.
I didn't realise
I still dont
the full impact hasnt hit you.. not yet
you know its coming its almost there your running towards it and you dont even know so stupid .. is this life? Where am i? What am i doing?
You reach it those huge gates held together with an iron like grip, reaching the ceiling guarding his body a barrier stopping you
the wait makes it worse.
how do i breathe again? I dont know yet all i hear is my unevenly staggered breathes its all i hear
ive blocked the others out telling me to stop...im not going to stop

A cold hand touches my shoulder jerking me bringing me out of my coma i look up into their eyes biting back on my quivering lips i have to wait i dont want to wait but i have to
We take a seat in front of the iron doors tormenting me enjoying the pain that errupts in me everytime the buzzing begins signalling its opening only to be faced with an unknown doctor looking for an unknown patient
Waiting... waiting..waiting
Cant sleep. cant think. cant breathe
silent prayers
Dread.. anxiousness..longing
'Give up' but i cant not now
Yet the wait hurts me more
'i cant wait i cant do this'
You can do this
'im gonna fall' stand up
but.. i cant
You have to...
The memories the moments close your eyes. Breathe. Pray
The buzzing... you look up the never ending grim hallway
Dont think...run... turn the corner spinning and spinning mentally physically
where is he where is he your eyes land on the unconscious body
and
...time...stops.

Shaking .. trembling .. i start to quiver i walk ever so slowly every step shattering my once alive heart ❤️
I reach him, you've reached him
'Im here' as if instictively hearing your voice barely above a whisper
his hand reaches out towards your voice
As if telling you to Hold on...not to let go...hes scared.
i wont let go im here im here my eyes gloss over, forcing
them not to fall but it slips , wetting your face one after another they fall freely
you didn't know you could possibly even let them
Fall freely.. a waterfall.. it wont stop as you clutch each others hands .. your  his lifeline now
stay.. stay with me ... dont leave me please ..
Your legs give in the tremling intesifies im crying your crying you cant stop it wont stop
Im here, im not going its ok
He turns to you looks at you in his dazed state hes trying, trying to stay awake hands still stained with traces of blood
How could this happen ..
i love you , please dont leave me as its time to walk away you cant forget the wires the tubes the blood
his heavily drugged body numbing out the pain numbing out the world numbing out you
But you feel the pain
You see the pain you wont forget the pain evidant from his face as i walk back down that empty hallway
His face his hands i wont ever forget
I love you ... dont leave me please ❤️