After All We've Been Through (Steve x reader)

The Whole Truth

   You sit beside a strangely silent Steve.

"What does that mean, Steve?" You press him.

Maybe he was actually coherent in this silent state.

Finally, Steve turns to you "I haven't been honest with you for a while."

You cross your arms "What does that mean?"

Steve squints "Help. I'm only partially aware of the last few months."

"You lost your memories or at least all your good ones. You kept having nightmares"

"Yes, I remember" He frowns and gets to his feet "But there were times that I was acutely aware. I remember you coming in almost every night to check on me."

"Why didn't you say anything?" This revelation only raises more questions "I thought you were lost to me."

He rubs his eyes "I had relapses. Sometimes I was in full control and other times my mind was a haze. The memories from either never meshed."

"How do I know you're okay now?"

Steve sighs "Because I know things... like how you rejected me when I tried to propose."

Ouch!

The memory seems so far away now, but it still makes you wince.

"Yeah, well, I had my reasons" you shrug.

   None of which I will disclose to you now.

"You also held me every time I couldn't sleep." He muses, with a small smile "I couldn't explain it to you but you stayed."

Steve frowns, and you can see the gears shift in his brain "I hurt you."

A lump swells in your throat and you search for ways to change the subject.

Yes, you did, Buster!

"You wanted something I couldn't give" His simple honest manner is like flaying you alive.

What are small nuggets of revelation to him are salt to the hurts you've hidden for six months.

"I don't want to talk about this, Steve!" You say hurriedly.

"I'm sorry,Y/N!" He looks up with those heartbroken morose eyes "I'd do anything to make it up to you."

A hairline crack works its way through the dam of your emotions "Stop it, Steve! You're sorry! I know!"

He reaches for you and you pull away tears already forming in your eyes.

What was it all for? The months of care and worry!

You bury your face in the sleeves of your sweater, and sob silently.

Steve touches your back gently and when you refuse to reciprocate puts his arms around you, shielding you with his body.

The familiar safeness of his presence is a trigger for your tears. All you ever wanted, you had in this moment, and it was killing you.

Gently, Steve turns you to face him.

"Please" you pull away "I can't take this right now. Let me go, Steve."

"Y/N! At least try and talk to me about it!" He pleads, releasing you, but his expression keeps you rooted to the spot.

"I-I have to do this alone" you sputter.

"No you don't!" Steve's eyes flash angrily "I don't know what's been happening the last six months but I am never leaving you like this again. Don't push me away, Y/N! I do love you!"

He's here in front of me, well and strong! Why can't I enjoy it?

   "No!" You turn into him and your power sings within you "Please let me go, Steve!"

   Steve's body flies backward into the wall, to your chagrin.

   Steve! I'm sorry!

   He folds, sliding to the floor, drywall crumbling around him. Slowly, shakily Steve gets to his feet, but shame keeps you from checking on him.

   T'challa appears in the doorway, his expression grave "Captain! Are you alright?"

   You slip past him and flee to the nearest door.

    Why, after all you've been through, does this feel so wrong?