White Roses of Isolation (Boyxboy)

Chapter 1

Months earlier...

It was a bizarre feeling. Thinking that the person you fell in love with was dead. Hurting other people to cope with it only to find out that person wasn't dead. Then having that same person, who still held your heart in their hands without knowing it crush you by falling in love with someone else. It was a feeling I've started to become accustomed to. I know I should be happy for Jess, happy he's happy even when it wasn't with me but the truth is I was selfish. I wanted to be the one to make him happy, to make him laugh. I wanted to be the one who held him close at night but the truth was I would never be that to him, and it broke me.

For months I've stayed hidden, secluded in the middle of the woods in a cabin in Alaska. I only have contact with two people really, the guy who brings me food, toiletries, or anything else I may need or want and my brother, Matteo. It was easier than facing reality, facing the world.

In here, hidden away from the world I didn't have to see it moving. I didn't have to see people enjoying life, moving forward while I was stuck standing in place.

I remember when I found out Jess was marrying Jordan, Nate's mentally unstable ex-boyfriend. I was livid. I trashed my apartment, punched a few holes in my bedroom wall, and got into a fight with the landlord. After a few days I thought I was fine but when I saw them together, there was an ache in my chest and it was far worse than when I thought he was dead. It was far worse than any bullet or stab wounds I had received over the years. That feeling was pure hell.

Grabbing the open bottle of Hennessy, I took a big gulp trying to get rid of those memories.

Drinking.

I never thought it'd be something I turned to. I didn't understand the satisfaction that came from being numb until recently. Drinking was the only thing I could do to keep me from getting a blade and slicing away at myself until there was nothing left. Sometimes my arm itched and drinking was the only way to sooth it.

Now, I realize I was a lot more fucked up than people thought, then I thought. I took another sip from the bottle before setting it on the table and laying down on the couch.

I didn't want to think anymore, quite frankly I didn't even want to be alive. I had done so much wrong. Killed so many people. Hurt so many people, even the people I cared so much about. It was no wonder Jess chose Jordan over me. Jordan wasn't a malicious person when he was himself. He didn't hurt people to cope with pain, he didn't hurt himself when he took his meds.

I'm not good enough.

It was a thought that had constantly plagued my mind as I stayed in this fortress of self-enforced solitude.

My phone rang, pulling me out of my depressed, slightly drunken thoughts. "Hello?"

"Brother." I could hear the smile in Matteo's voice making one appear on my own face.

I sat up, readjusting the phone in my hand," How are you Teo?"

"I'm good, everything's going good but I wish you would come visit or you could come visit us. You know our birthday is in 4 days. It would mean a lot to me if you could come visit, you don't even have to bring a gift." He said the last part jokingly.

I hummed in thought, reluctant," I don't know Teo, I just...I don't know if I'm ready."

"You can't keep living like this Montero. There's no use in wallowing in your own self-pity, you can't hide away forever. I know it hurts and that it's hard to move on but that's what you have to do. You're strong, I believe in you but you need to believe in yourself. Dad didn't raise us to let the world spit in our faces without a fight," he lectured passionately.

I sighed, I knew he was right but even still, it was hard. "Yeah that's because he spit in our faces for the world....Matteo what if when I see him and I break down, it's been 8 months."

"Stop worrying about Jess and focus on yourself. Your life should not revolve around him, and as much as I love Jess like family if he has moved on from you then you should move on from him. Please Tero....I miss my brother, my twin, my literal other half. It's our birthday, the day that celebrates the day we came into this world." Matteo spoke as if reminiscing.

I felt like my heart was being squeezed," Sometimes I wish that day had never happened..."

"Tero...are you...?" His question trailed off.

I jumped in before he could finish his question," Okay I'll come visit for our birthday. The longest I'm willing to stay out there is maybe a week and I will have my own place to stay at because I am not staying with you. Agreed?"

"Yes agreed but we need to have a talk fir-"

"Bye Matteo." I hung up on him taking a shaky deep breath.

It had been a full 8 months since I had taken a step outside. The only glimpse of outside I got is when I opened my door for Solomon, the man who brought my groceries and things I needed.

I couldn't lie though, I was kind of excited that I was going to see my brother again. There was a few people I actually needed to see. The only thing I dreaded quite honestly was seeing Jess. I didn't know if my heart could take it.