ALMOST A BRIDE (Open On Annie)

3

**

The flight to Mauritius is only three hours, and I entertained myself with a series of happy thoughts.

White sandy beaches.

The turquoise sea.

The warm sun.

Cocktails; Margaritas, Mojitos, Sex on the Beach (and I mean that in the purely alcoholic sense)

There would be no sex on the beach for me, or anywhere else for that matter. Especially since I’d unofficially taken a vow of celibacy, in the light of my obviously less than satisfactory bedroom performance.  I was continuously plagued by feelings of sexual inadequacy until one of my friends Bee suggested something-

“Babe, if you’re looking for sex tips. You should hire a porno.”

 “I’m not hiring a porno.” I protested.

“Think about it. Those people are paid to have sex. Paid!” She’d said while munching down on her Protein Bar, she claims a carb hasn't past her lips in over a year, “That makes them professionals. If anyone knows how to do it, they do.”

Naturally I dismissed her notion as downright ridiculous. But a few months later, while watching a TV program on infidelity, one of those true-life things where the wife hires a private investor- I changed my mind. When confronted, the man also showed no remorse. Instead he sited his wives lack-luster bedroom performance as one of the main reasons for straying, that and “Bitch, you don’t cook for me no mo ho”.

Sex is important. Especially for men. So with that in mind, I Googled the nearest adult store.

I’ve never been to an Adult shop before and found the prospect daunting. And cruelly, most seemed to be located on rather busy main roads, forcing you to engage in some kind of public walk of shame, dramatically increasing your chances of being seen by someone you know. The other issue was whether to go there in full daylight, or under the cover of night.

Although the chances of being spotted at night are less, the chances of being mistaken for a desperate, sexual pervert are greater- somehow the cloak of darkness gives the whole thing a far more lascivious vibe. During the day your chances of being spotted increase, but what with all the other shops being open, it would be easy to pretend you were just out buying milk. Then there was the question of what to wear? As I saw it, there were two options; the trench coat and large face disguising hat, and then something completely normal and ordinary. I opted for the latter, after putting on a long trench coat and a baseball hat and realizing I looked like a deranged flasher.

It took me a few minutes to psych myself up, as I parked my car on the other side of the road. There was no mistaking it, “Adult Extravaganza”. It certainly made no attempt to blend in. It boasted a large, red flashing ' X' that could no doubt be seen by intelligent life forms living in another galaxy. It was not subtle, that’s for sure.

There was also nothing subtle about it’s interior either. It was so dimly lit that it took a few seconds for my eyes to adjust. But once they had and I managed to review my surroundings, I felt like I’d taken a tumble through the rabbit hole and walked straight into Alice’s Wonderland, for adults. Half the shop was dedicated to ‘Toys and Accessories and the other half to DVD’s, currently I was surrounded by…Mmmm, what euphemism can I use here… female pleasure appliances?

Some were pretty ordinary looking things, whilst others looked like something you might buy from the gift shop at Sea World. Next to the rows of colorful playthings, was a rail of outfits. The usual suspects really; nurse, schoolgirl, playboy bunny… and then I saw it.