Old Friends (Janet and Toni Fanfic)

Chapter 23

"So I guess that means we're not best friends, right? If you're telling all my business to him."

"Don't do that, Janet. Don't--you know that's not true. You weren't the one suffering. Do you know how it feels to be head over heels for someone who you know you can never have? And you will never deserve?" Toni cried, turning around with a blotchy, damp face twisted in anguish. It made me shut my mouth. I always had to make it about me.

"I know I'm not good enough for you, okay? I know that. But I just--you were my best friend first, and I thought maybe it would work. I know who you are. I've seen you at your worst, and here we are, me, I'm at my worst right now, and you're with me. We were intimate. So what does that make us, huh? What's left for us to be?" Toni pondered. I didn't dare to utter a word. I had never seen her like this. After a moment of stillness, she continued. "And I still feel like I'm alone. Because you have him, Janet. You've always had someone. But I don't have anyone! I don't--I don't have..."

Her body went rigid as she sobbed and dropped to her knees. I rushed to her and squeezed her body tightly. She was physically hot, and her muscles ceased to relax. After all of this kept inside, it was all coming to a head. A sort of anxiety attack. It was all my fault.

"Toni, I don't care where we stand or what we are, you are always going to have me. Okay? Don't ever forget that. And you deserve the moon and the stars and the whole world. Nothing I could ever do or be would be enough to show just how much you mean to me and everyone who loves you. It's too great. But I'm sorry for making you feel like this. I really wish it didn't have to happen the way it did." I rocked her in my arms as I spoke into her hair, trying not to cry. I had to be strong for her. But I felt so terrible.

"You're really in love with me Jan?" She looked up at me with blood-shot eyes. My heart fluttered at the thought, yet wilted looking at her face. I knew this cut her deep.

"I think I am, Toni. I think it's always been there." I managed a smile, and so did she. But hers didn't last for too long.

"That's really exciting, but I can't be a second thought, Jan. I just can't. And I don't want to force you into anything you'll regret or make you choose. I would feel too bad."

I nodded my head. I know that I still loved him; that never really changed. He had been my world for far too long to just leave him. It wasn't fair to him.

"Then he does shit like this," she motioned to my neck with flared nostrils, "And I want to fucking choke him out. I got so angry because I know I would treat you so much better." Toni looked up at the ceiling. It seemed now she was just thinking aloud, rather than talking to me. But I wanted to hear everything she had to say. I wanted to get inside her shoes; get inside her mind. "But a piece of me just wants you to be happy, and if that means you're with him, then... Then I respect that."

I could feel her relax a little bit more, but she was still so worked up. I couldn't imagine the way she must have felt right now, and all this time for that matter. And I thought my situation was hard.

"You're right." I responded.

"What? What do you mean?"

"I mean even after what happened, I still love him. I know his intentions aren't always in my best interest, but... he's what I've known for almost three years, and I can't just--I can't just stop loving him. But I look at you and think about all the things Wissam never was, yet you are..." Toni looked up at me with a little sparkle in her eye. I had never been so torn in my life. "You are everything he is, plus all of the things he lacks. That real compassion and selflessness and patience... And I want it all so badly, Toni. I swear to god I want it from you."

"I want to give it to you, Jan," she whispered, running her hand down my cheek. I shivered. "I want you to have it. Even if it's not with me... I just want someone to treat you the way I know you need to be treated. That's all I want."