Greenflame // fake smiles ((completed))

f o u r

I get up and go to the restroom. I want to hurt myself. There aren't any razors, so I grab a hair straightener. I plug it up and turn it on. I let it warm up and then hold it to my skin. I do it all across my arms. It hurts.. I hurts so much. I like the pain. Tears form in my eyes from the pain. I like it. I'm insane aren't I?

"Lloyd?" I hear Avery question from the other room.

I quickly turn off the straightener and pull down my sleeve, "I'm in here!" I yell and then flush the toilet to not raise suspicion.

I walk out of the bathroom and he smiles at me. I feel my phone vibrate. I look at it.

37 miss calls and 124 new text messages.

I open my phone and see all the ninja have been trying to reach me. I see Jay's name and I remember about his birthday party. It's today.

"My friends birthday is today want to come with me?" I ask Avery.

He nods and I, fake, smile.

🖤

When we arrived at my home to go to Jay's party you could hear from miles away. Lights flash and people crowd the main entrance. I push past people with Avery right behind me.

When we get to a somewhat empty room I see jay. I greet him.

"Hey jay," I say.

He turns around, "Oh, hi Lloyd! Where were you last night, everyone was worried sick! That reminds me kai is looking for you. Do you want me to go get him?"

"No don't. I'll find him later. Anyways happy birthday!" I say trying to take the subject off kai.

"Lloyd?" I hear a familiar voice say behind me. I know exactly who it belongs to. I don't want to turn around. I would rather do anything in the world, but turn around right now.

Someone grabs me and pulls me out of the room. The person pulls me in a closet. They lock the door and turn on the lights, it's kai.

"I was so worried something happened to you!" Kai says and hugs me. I don't hug back. He pulls away when he realizes I'm not going to hug back. He frowns.

"What do you want kai?" I say sharply.

"I want you to stop," he answers with glassy eyes.

I don't answer. I let silence fill the room. I'm not lost for words, I just know he won't like my response. I decide to tell him what needs to be said.

"No."

"Why?" He screams.

"Because I deserve it kai! I don't deserve happiness! I'm not good enough! I'll never be good enough!" I yell as tears start dripping from my eyes.

"That isn't true," kai whispers loud enough for me to hear, "It's not true! That's not true, Lloyd! You're more than good enough!" He yells tears stream rapidly down his face.

"I hate when people do that. Your lying. You don't want to admit it but you know I deserve it! This world would be better off without me!" I scream. I'm such a hypocrite. I lie all the time.

"That's not true," he says quiet. Tears continue to fall from his face.

"Lies, lies, lies! That's all I hear from you kai!" I yell opening the door slamming it shut. I wipe my tears away with the sleeve my shirt.

I see Avery, and this time I tell him everything. I tell him every detail. I tell him about the self harm, about kai finding out, about the depression. He doesn't interrupt. He just listens. After I finish telling him he does something that surprises me.

"But you are worth it," he says and kisses me.

-

So I've been super depressed lately. I was clean for seven days and then today I broke it. I cut a little deeper than usual and it felt good. I'm scaring myself. I feel lonely because I have no friends. I want to talk to someone, but I can't because there is no one to talk to. So can someone pls DM me because I just can't handle myself anymore. I wish I could make a whole chapter about why and all the shit I has going on my head, but I know that would bore you guys.. I just need someone that will be there for me and not leave me like everyone else in my life.

I also made a new song quote book thing. I would appreciate if you checked it :p

Bye babes