the darkness and the light. both of them are there, inside of me, and outside of me. the darkness is something that has been bothering me since a young age. on my shoulder with the looming fact that i was different. maybe that was what fueled it? or was it how, later in life, how people treated me, and how I treated people because of my lack of knowledge on how to get my anger out in a positive and healthy way. and the light... it's the thing that people always told me i should go after. the absence of light. the bigger brother of darkness. something that i've been reaching for a while and experience sometimes. but the darkness...
so a lot went on. i guess me looking you in your eyes and telling you that i wouldn't hurt you didn't mean anything. even though i saw something different in your soul when i looked into the windows of it, i should've took the warning sign when you were fidgeting and looking down at the floor when i talked to you. i opened up to you. told you my deepest, darkest secrets, because i trusted you, no matter how many times i acted jealous and idiotic, because the both of those things are in my nature, i trusted you. you were different, like me. or, i thought. and now it turns out you're just like everyone else. i opened up and told myself, "she's different. you can finally open up fully." and the day i decided that, you betrayed me. but again, i can't control anyone's emotions.
my love for you stayed those times i blocked you and stopped talking to you. now as i begin to realize that you're nothing different than the crowd that you say you so much despise, it begins to fade. though still i catch myself looking back. looking back at when i held you for that one second and looked you into your eyes. those hours on the phone, falling asleep to your beautiful voice as smooth and wonderful as honey descending from the tip of a shined silver spoon. and then the darkness comes. i remember how you threw me away, though you say you "didn't mean to." I love you. I hate you. I'm torn. I'm an idiot. I know you'll most likely never read this, but this is my only way to get my feelings out other than music, my true love .....
i feel like.. i feel so out of place. not that im not supposed to be here.. but like always. im supposed to do something... i'm different. when im around people i always feel it. their energy is off. i am cursed to walk this earth alone. i am blessed to walk this world blessed. my mind spins at 2 am after a performance as i let the hook of the bottle touch my virgin liver and yank a year from my time on this earth as i lean over in my chair, the computer screen light covering the whole room, but still not making the darkness dissipate. i throw it away the day after the next and wave it off. i will not add on to my other problems. i look down at the keyboard and read the words i have typed and realize i have been rambling. i feel like Dr. Manhattan. I am an outcast. I am the king of the outcasts.
walking past you in that hell hole called school. still feel your vibe. still feel that little drop in my stomach when i accidentally look your way or happen to walk past you in the hallway or hear your voice.
purple heart shit, right?
YOU ARE READING
a book about me & my emotions
Random"I have aspired to expression, all these years, elegant past the most eloquent word. But here now our tongue dries into maggots as we continue our slimy death and grin. Except today it is fashionable to scream of pride and be...
