BaloneyOpus

MLV - The Mysurpa Launch Vehicle

"There is too much debris in space. We need to see how to capitalise on it" said Rob, the newly elected chief of Supernova Inc, a dwindling aerospace business.

"You don't want to build a dumpster truck rocket, do you?" asked Chen, the propulsion expert.

"No. You got me all wrong here. I am looking at a greenfield opportunity here" he said.

"Like a biodegradable rocket a sir?" asked Rama Rao, the chief scientist.

"Much bigger Ram. I am looking at a Cosmo-degradable rocket. But you got the idea. Work on it" said Rob and walked away. Rama Rao and Chen looked at each other, not knowing what to do next.

"Let us ask my grandmother for an idea" said Rama Rao. Chen and Rama Rao took a week off and went to Asthrapura, a village infested by the clan of Rama Rao.

Rama Rao's grandmother, Chengamma, was the fourteenth wife of his grandfather, also Rama Rao. Each wife of his gave birth to seventeen children except the last one, as she married him when he was forty-four and so could manage only six. He divorced her a little later. The two hundred and twenty-seven children in turn gave birth to a total of six hundred and eighty-eight children. In all, there were nine hundred and sixteen of them who colonised the entire Asthrapura.

Rama Rao's mother had sixteen brothers. His father considered it inauspicious to continue any further as a daughter had been born and moved on. So, she had the privilege of having sixteen daughters-in-law to hate and had one unique complaint about each. That meant Chengamma had them among the many other grand-daughter in laws, sixteen from Rama Rao's mother whom she could hate for sixteen other reasons. In all, the sixteen sisters of Rama Rao were hated for thirty-two different reasons by two people.

She was an expert of ancient Indian scientific advances, thanks to her mastery over the scriptures and this had made her the last resort for Rama Rao and Chen.

"Cosmo-degradable? So, you have been littering the region between bhUlOka and bhuvarloka" she said, holding Rama Rao by his ears. Chen jumped a few paces, as he realised she had another hand and his ears were free.

"You people use titanium and aluminium. You know Ikshvaku could fly to Sathya loka on his chariot? No one spoke about degradability in those days. They knew how to fly and come back. Now you stupid people, you think you know everything" she said.

"Grandma, please help us. We need to come up with a solution for a cosmo-degradable rocket within a week. Please help" said Chen.

"Chen? That is your name?" asked Chengamma in a contemptuous tone. Chen nodded. "That is not even half of me" she said and laughed in a brash, disrespectful tone. Chen grimaced, but had no option but to control his anger and smile as though nothing had happened.

"Rama Rao, ask your aunts to assemble here. I will give you a solution" said Chengamma, unperturbed by Chen's red and yellow face, resembling that of a flower horn cichlid, minus the hump. Rama Rao duly obliged and his aunts, who hated Chengamma as much as she hated them came there and duly prostrated before her as a mark of respect.

"Radhamma, make ten thousand mysurpas, Seethamma, make two hundred cow dung cakes, Santhamma make your famous jaggery paste, Narasamma, cook a quintal of rice, Chenchumma buy a quintal of Sandal" said Chengamma, and went on giving many such instructions to her other grand daughters in law. Chen and Rama Rao looked on, bewildered.

"Grandma we need a solution for a cosmo-degradable rocket, not food for a feast" said a distraught Chen.

"Shut up. You are not even half of me" said Chengamma and continued to shout instructions. "Come back after two days" she dismissed them. Chen was forlorn and had lost all hope of keeping his job. Rama Rao on the other hand was already proud of what his grandmother was going to achieve, despite knowing nothing about what she had on her mind.

The next two days went like a year for Chen and Rama Rao. They had been warned time and again by Rob that this was either their ticket to stardom or their pink slips. There would be no middle path.

On the appointed day, Chengamma had built a rocket that looked like the candy house from Hansel and Gretel. The only noticeable difference was the sandal and vermilion sacred mark on it.

"What the hell is this?" asked Chen, flushing with anger.

"Rocket. Launch Vehicle" said Chengamma in a cool monotone.

"What?" asked Chen and turned to Rama Rao.

"What is this grandma?" asked Rama Rao.

"Oh! My dear Raamu. You are asking me what is this just like you did when you were one. Then also you had no hair on your head, now also no hair" she said and chuckled. "You shut up Chen. You are not even half of me" she said, shifting from a doting grandmother to a venom-spewing anti-Chen dragon in a second.

"It is over. Rama Rao. Sit here and eat all of this with your people. We are done." Said Chen, sensing this was his career apocalypse.

"This boy is useless" said an irritated Chengamma "Rocket structure is all about keeping out air friction by offering thermal protection. The inside of the rocket is coated with cow dung cake which one of your aunts prepared, which will keep radiation out. This will protect the payload. After that, is one layer of jaggery paste made by your other aunt. This will keep the fuel and oxidiser cool. The jaggery chamber is enclosed within a layer of water and rice in a terracotta casing. When heat comes in, this will cook the rice and the hole on top will send the heat out, and due to the narrow outlet, will cool the surroundings, adiabatic stuff you know. This will keep the thermodynamics intact. The next outer layer is the sandal paste, which will keep the terracotta casing itself cool and protected till a point. I don't know Celsius or kelvin, but it will keep it cool. The final outer layer is made of your favourite aunt's mysurpa. Your grandfather ate it and died instantly. It is so strong, it can withstand any thrust or collision impact from other debris. I have created a base with cow dung and sand to prevent the rocket from burning during blast off. Now all you have to do is to put the payload and engine in. Once the rocket breaks up in space, the engine will disintegrate due to the sudden exposure. So only your payload will remain and all other parts will be destroyed" she said.

"But if your rocket is so strong, how will it disintegrate?" asked Chen.

"Oh! I have grown old. See, I forgot to tell you that. You are not so stupid, after all Chen. I have placed a small remote tape recorded of Rama Rao's mother shouting. Once it is in the orbit, please operate the remote control. That noise can destroy anything. Now take the rocket" she said.

"Chen" she called before leaving "Bring that Robber here after you launch this. I think he should give me royalty"

"That's Rob, not robber. And I will bring him if he remains alive" said Chen.

Rama Rao did not know whether to be proud of his grandmother or rip his suit apart and run on the open ground all the way to Mongolia, where he could build a shack on the steppes, and spend the rest of his life giving horses a bath.

Three weeks later, the prototype rocket was launched and the payload was deployed on orbit. The sound module with Rama Rao's mother's voice was activated once the payload was deployed and it shattered the rocket so hard that the debris was scattered as far the asteroid belt.

Supernova Inc, was saved from becoming a black hole and Rob fell at Chengamma's feet in full public view. Chengamma was now chief scientist, with Rama Rao and Chen reporting into her. Chen even had to change his name to Ping, to ensure there was only one Chen; Chengamma.

To retain exclusivity, the finer details of the project and the raw materials used to make the rocket were never disclosed to anyone.

A decade later, a probe studying the composition of asteroids to understand the origins of the universe, brought back samples that looked and tatsed similar to Mysurpa. It also reported possible signs of water like fluid, that was actually Narasamma's jaggery paste flowing through the tracts. The share prices of all aerospace organisations sky rocketed and so did the stake of proud traditionalists who saw their theories on the antiquity of their system and race (they made mysurpa on asteroids) validated.

Meanwhile, the sixteen grand-daughter in laws of Chengamma, now older and wiser, were going about making rocket parts for two hundred rupees a day.

Rama Rao was a proud grandson and nephew.