We cling to thoughts of higher purpose,
As if our lives weren't otiose
Some meaning deep below the surface
Found not in poetry nor prose
Beyoncé closed her eyes, falling slowly into her own madness.
Is time a mere function of death?
Do rivers ebb and flow for final breaths?
Her mind had become compact with the wildness of the world around her. She found no solidarity in places it ought to be, nothing confirmed or reliable but instead questions with no answers in sight and thoughts with no reason.
I find myself, not wont of caring
For what in life makes life worth bearing,
What in love keeps it ensnaring
What mercy truly lies in sparing
Those whose swords we cross...
Carter sat on the bed facing the woman with her hands in his. He found comfort in her ability to drift off into her mind and find some sort of solace in the words she dictated. She had become a poet, in her own right, with the ability to form a narrative from little words and close to no punctuation. She had a mind filled with wild things that many wouldn't dare to dream of, a mind filled with the simplest things many don't care to think about and yet- there she sat... her body weakened by the constant noises in her head.
Earlier when she had asked him to help her he could not refuse.
Christmas had come; then it had gone and once it was done and over she realised something very important. She realised that the world is a messy place. Such a messy place that it didn't need her mess because it obviously couldn't handle it's own. It was far too selfish of her to continue to add mess and never clean it up.
One might ask her what exactly this mess is. When talking to Carter she did not once tell him what 'mess' meant but she didn't need to. He knew her like the back of his hand, he knew every little thing about her. He knew that she desperately needed to find some sort of peace within herself and the only way to do that was the let everything out and really think. It takes time, for the average person, to put everything in order. He knew that this would not be the case with her because she was not the average person.
January was supposed to be a time for new beginnings, a time where things were fresh and the year had just begun but no one ever really felt that way in January and it often confused her. September seemed to prove to be itself for a time of new life but she never understood why. Now she realised...
January wasn't new at all because your mind was filled with the burden of the year you had just passed, unsolved problems and deadlines set before the year had begun. She, on the other hand, was not going to be like this. So long she had run from time as if it were a casket but she had reached a point in her life where she needed to stop weaving her way around reality and face what the world had to offer. What she offered to the world. This all hit her in one day- January 4th- one moment and that was because it was her mothers birthday.
"What are you scared of?" He asked her. Her eyes were still closed and all she could see was the black behind her eyelids, she didn't care much for the darkness but it seemed to add to the atmosphere of the situation.
"I'm scared I killed them" She admitted truthfully with a gulp. Her breathing increased a little and to calm down her nerves Carter placed his hand on the side of her face stroking her cheek. While his hands soothed her she went on to say: "I'm scared of going to jail, I'm scared of never being an average woman, I'm scared that there's something wrong with me" Once she was done he then asked,
