other people's heartache 》ryden

01: Feeling

I found love where it wasn't supposed to be.
》Right in front of me.

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

I awoke to the harsh blare of my alarm. I groaned as I rolled over to turn it off. Helena was still asleep next to me. I planted a kiss on her bare shoulder, her thin brown hair was messy from the night before. I stood up and stretched. Another day.

My mom always told me that I would do something great with my life. I would grow up to be a strong handsome prince who would one day sweep a girl off her feet. I would face any conflict with bravery and integrity. The last words she said to me when I was eleven and she was dying on that cold white hospital bed, the beep of the monitor echoing in the empty room, was "You're going to be happy without me. Don't mourn for me." I'm sorry mom. I want to make you proud. Truth be told, I've never been happy. Not after dad became an alcoholic and took his anger and misery out on me. Maybe he beat the feeling out of me.

I'm just numb.

Let's just forget that depressing story. Let's just move on with my day. Let's just make some music. Let's pour your heart out, Ryan. Music is the only thing you need. Music is your escape.

I didn't bother picking out an outfit. I just picked up a striped shirt lying on the floor and put on the closest pair of pants I could find, which were my black skinny jeans that have definitely seen better days. I swung my keys around my finger as I headed out of the door. It was a bright day. The ground was still soaked from the heavy rain that kept me awake last night. It's hard having that problem when you live in Seattle.

I left the apartment at 12:24. I got to Jon's at 12:59.

Thirty five minutes.

It must be another off day. I thought the sunny weather meant today would be okay. Hell, I even kissed Jamie's shoulder before leaving. Why was I feeling so positive today? I grabbed my guitar case and clicked the lock button on my keys.

Beep beep.

I headed up the cold concrete stairs. Another day of the same painful silence and unproductivity.

...Twenty seven, twenty eight, twenty nine, thirty, thirty one.

I grabbed the doorknob and twisted it once, twice- then I heard laughter. I heard everyone's muffled talking, along with an unfamiliar voice that was deep and slightly raspy. I hesitated. My hands were shaking. I hated people, I hated meeting people. I hated seeing their fake smile and outstretched hand waiting for you to shake it. I hated saying "Hi, how are you? I'm doing fine myself" when I know damn well I'm not.

You know what, fuck it. I want to change. I want a change in my life. Maybe this guy will be that change. I twisted the doorknob one more time, then opened it. I didn't even bother looking at how many times the light flickered. I was striving for change.

"Hey, Ryan." Spencer beamed. "Remember how we needed someone to sing lead?" My eyes shifted to the figure standing next to him. He turned around slowly.

That's not...

I recognized the warm brown eyes and soft smile.

Oh god.

His vision collided with mine once again. His vision. It's a he. It's a guy. I'm infatuated with a guy. Despite this surprising revelation, there was that feeling again, swarming deep within me. I felt sick. I felt like I was going to throw up. Years without feeling anything, to feeling everything all at once. I didn't know what to do. I just stood and stared.

Why was I feeling this way about a guy, a guy I didn't even know. Why am I feeling this way? Why am I feeling this way? Why am I feeling this goddamn way?

"Hi." His hand waved at me and he softly smiled. "I'm Brendon."

Brendon.

I walked toward the group anxiously. "Ross." I flinched. Stupid. "Ryan Ross."

"Okay James Bond." Brent laughed. Shut the fuck up. "Brendon came by last night. He saw our flyer and thought he'd give it a shot."

That's where he was going. And I thought I'd never see him again. Surprise! Here he is again. Amazing. Perfect. Fucking great.

"Awesome." I smiled at him. He smiled back. Fuck.

"He's got an amazing voice." Jon said. He looked at Brendon and nodded his head toward me.

"Ah, what should I sing?" he asked. He looked slightly flustered as well as flattered.

"Sing that Frank Sinatra song you sang last night." Spencer suggested. Brendon nodded and took in a breath.

God damn.

The first word he sang was just so perfectly on key. His words told a story, and I was totally captivated. His eyes showed emotion. His lips moved perfectly. His voice was like whiskey. It was warm and smooth, a slow burn as it entered my system and traveled through my body.

What am I saying. Why am I feeling this way? Acting this way? Thinking this way? What the hell is wrong with me? Am I that emotion deprived that it's all just coming out when I look at those brown eyes and hear that warm, raspy voice?

"So, Ryan. What'd you think?" Spencer questioned, extracting me out of my thoughts.

"That was amazing." I quietly laughed. Brendon seemed to be happy with that response.

"Ah, I'm glad you liked it." he clapped his hands together. "So does that mean...?"

I shrugged and nodded my head. "You're in the band." A smile sprawled across his face.

"Sweet!" he beamed. I looked at his expression. I studied his face, body, everything. He had dark brown eyes. His hair was the same shade of brown as his eyes, and it went down to his jawline, which was sharp enough to cut anything. His bangs were kind of ruffled and swept to the side. He was wearing a white button up and a vest. He had slightly muscular arms compared to my bony ones, and his hands were big, fingers were long. He wasn't exactly tall, but oddly his stature was slightly intimidating.

I just want to know why after twelve years of feeling absolutely nothing for anyone, I feel like Brendon was the love of my life. I didn't even think I was bisexual. And here I am, heels over head in love with a guy I had just met literally two minutes ago.

My life really is a mess.

Despite my eyes always being locked on Brendon, we all spent the next couple of hours talking more than we have in weeks combined, making more music than we have in months. Brendon seemed to be the glue putting this get well card back together. I've never connected with my band mates more. This is change. This is good.

It's exactly what I needed.