lost in thoughts

well that escalated quickly...

2016-2017

    I know I've written about loneliness before but there's something else to it. Every one wants real friends, fake friends suck. But in my fucked up mind, sometimes I want to be that person who has so many temporary friends, like they're friends with everyone. I'm not saying I want to be popular or whatever. It's just I have like two friends - best friends - and they are always busy, tired of me, annoyed by me and so on. They're mostly busy, so I have no one to talk to and I'm left alone with this insane brain of mine. And if someone did talk to me, I don't know, I'd try to keep the conversation going but there's always that one person you prefer and just wish it was them who started texting you. With a number of temporary friends I'd have so many people to talk to and I wouldn't feel so alone like I do now.

    I always preferred talking to this one friend, I don't think I should say her name, but I loved talking to her. We could talk about anything and everything. It was nice. But things aren't going so well now. It feels like it's starting all over again. The consistent talking isn't so consistent anymore. I guess it's for the best. I mean Scarlett and I are okay now, but it doesn't seem like we're best friends. It just feels like we're just friends. It doesn't feel like we're that close anymore. I just, I don't want it to feel like that afterwards with my friend. I'll feel like I have absolutely no one and completely alone. I want things to be the same after I fix myself and she's done being off the grid, like the way we act. I don't want things to be awkward or speechlessly silent. I guess that's why I cry so hard over her. I don't want bad events to repeat and relive them all over again. I swear to God, if this thing is exactly the same as before... I'm gonna kill myself. It just tells me I'm not meant to have best friends.

    Because I'll just fall in love. Because my best friend has the most beautifulest soul. And who wouldn't fall in love with her?