Looking up diet tips online, I come across websites called "Thinspiration" and "Pro Ana". I have never heard of this in my life! I think it's horrible that people are encouraging others to get a mental illness! Although I like the tips the websites give. That's the only thing I will use from those. I start reading about red bracelets and what they symbolize. Apparently if you see a girl wearing a red beaded bracelet, she is suffering from an eating disorder. That's weird, I guess. Why wear a bracelet that symbolizes you have an eating disorder? People would eventually find out wouldn't they?
I scroll through and find that some girls even go so far as to forcing themselves to vomit . How is that even possible. Oh. Fingers down your throat, I read. Hmm, that might just come in handy for when I cave and start pigging out. I might try it sometime. But only when I totally pig out. I don't want to develop bulimia. It would eventually kill me . I don't want an eating disorder and never will want one. Even if it meant being tiny.
"Bia! Dinner!" I gulp and head downstairs. I don't want to eat dinner ! Maybe I will just skip. I walk downstairs and smell chinese food. My favourite. This. Is. Not. Happening.
Suddenly I find myself dumping half the box of rice onto my plate and too much chicken to count. My family gives me odd looks. Don't look at me! I'm hungry, okay? Leave me alone!
I shovel forkfuls of food into my mouth . My mother tells me to slow down. My brother calls me a raging cow . My father, who died three years ago from kidney failure, would be reminding me to chew my food before downing it .
I put my plate in the dishwasher and walk upstairs clutching onto my ready-to-explode stomach. I can't take it anymore! What have I done?
I remember what I learned from the websites. Throwing up would be perfect at a time like this.
I lock the bathroom door and turn all the water on. Lean over the toilet, shove 3 fingers as deep down as I can and wiggle them around. I gag a few times but I keep trying until I feel bile ,acid, and vomit make it's way up my esophagus. I take my hand out and instantly start throwing up. The retching sound is horrible and loud. I continue to throw up over and over until all I see is just acid and water. I feel so empty and clean now! I feel amazing!
I find the scale again and strip my clothes.
I was 119 last Monday. It's Wednesday now. Last week I felt horrible, but now I've gotten used to the weakness and hunger. So I just have to suck it up and get thinner.
I step on the scale.
113.8. In one week and 3 days, I lost six pounds! I'm so close to my goal of 111. Yesterday Laella told me that she can see my hip bones protruding, even when I have a shirt on. I still see fatness.
I go downstairs to our small home gym and use the treadmill until I feel like passing out. I read the calories burned screen. I burned 428 calories. It was a long and very uphill run so I expected it to be above 350 no matter what by the time I was done.
I have a shower . I avoid the mirror when I step out of the shower. I never want to see my body without clothes on. I discovered I look even fatter nude. Ew.
Then I do some homework. Before I get into bed I do a quick round of 100 situps.
When I wake up I just might be thinner.
