Alone (KickThePj)

Chapter 3

After that night on the roof, PJ and I spent a lot of time together. He took me on all sorts of adventures. We went monster hunting and explored hundreds of Tiny Planets. I helped defeat Light Seekers and a giant Love Bug. He even introduced me the crazy characters that live inside his mind. PJ showed me the world through his eyes and I loved every minute of it.

His world was much different than mine though. His was full of bright colors, while mine was nothing but black and greys. There were no adventures or crazy characters; just loneliness. But being with PJ was the only time I didn’t feel alone.

It terrified me how comfortable I was around him. I tried to distance myself the best I could, but it was too late. I was falling for him. And I was falling hard. I wasn’t use to having these feelings for anyone. I didn’t let myself. So I did the one thing I’m good at. I pushed him away.

And it worked. Except for the fact that I missed him too much. Not being with PJ brought the loneliness back. But not only did it come back, It got worse.

The past month, I would spend most of my time in bed, just staring off in the distance. I barely ate anything. The days seemed to blur into one. The only time I ever got out of the house was for work and the rare occasion, food. My mind thought if I kept this up, I would eventually waste away. And slowly, I was. But it wasn’t going unnoticed.

“You need to go see him.” Taylor said sternly as she marched into my flat. “This isn’t healthy.”

I shook my head. “I’m fine. I don’t need to see him.”

“Zelda look at you!” She lifted my shirt up. “I can see your bones. I haven’t seen you smile in weeks. You’re killing yourself!”

My eyes prickled with tears. I roughly pulled my shirt from her grasp. "I'm fine." I repeated as I walked past her to go to my room.

"Look Zel, I understand. We all-"

I turned around to glare at her. “You don’t understand. You’ll never understand! You don’t know what it’s like to lose everything you love! You don’t know how hard it is to trust people not to leave. You don’t know how much it hurts to push people away. You don’t know anything! You don’t -” My body suddenly started trembling and I felt a lump in my throat.

Taylor pulled me into her arms and rubbed my back as I violently cried into her shoulder. “Oh honey.”

“I love him Taylor.” I sobbed. “I really love him.”

“I know Zel. I know.”

Taylor soon left, after I stopped crying. She didn’t want to leave me alone, but I reassured her that being alone was something I was used to.

When she was gone, I sat on the window bay of my flat, looking out into the busy streets of London. It was raining of course, but I always found peace in the rain. Even though the sky was covered in clouds, you could still tell the sun was starting to set. For once the hectic city was calming.

My thoughts drifted to PJ. I was torn. Every bit of me wanted to be with him. I also knew that if I were to be with him, he could leave. I thought by pushing him away myself was the smart thing to do. But I was really starting to regret the decision. It was cowardly and cruel.

I wasn’t even sure he would forgive me. He shouldn’t forgive me. I knew he was falling for me just as much I was falling for him. I knew how much it would hurt him and I did it anyways. I was too scared to let him in. I became something I never expect I would be. My father.

Then I thought what if he did forgive me? Would we end up together?  It was a very nice thought. Being with him would make me happy. He was everything I didn’t know I needed. But I hurt PJ too badly for us to be together.

I was so in deep thought, that I didn’t notice how dark it was outside. I heard the front door open, but I assumed it was Taylor coming back to check up on me. I didn’t feel like moving to greet her so I stayed put. Suddenly, I smelled a familiar sent that I knew didn’t belong to Taylor. That’s when I realized it wasn’t her.

“What are you doing here?” I kept my gaze locked on the streetlights outside. I couldn’t look him in the eye.

“Taylor told me everything.” He whispered.

I closed my eyes. Damn you Taylor. “So what are you doing here?”

“You know why I’m here Zel.”

I finally tore my gaze and looked over at him. He looked almost as bad as me. My heart broke at the sight of him. I didn’t deserve him. So I got up from my seat and started to walk to my room.

“You can’t keep pushing people away Zelda.” PJ said softly. “You have to let someone in eventually.”

I stopped and turned around to face him. I locked my eyes with his. "You can't save me, you know? I'm not some doll that you can fix. I'm beyond repair.” I chuckled darkly. “God himself couldn't fix me even if he tried."

He shook his head. "I don't want to save you. I just want to be there when you need a helping hand. When you need that little push to keep going. When you need a reminder that you're not alone."

Slowly he walked towards me and placed his hands on my face. "I want to hold you in my arms at night and whisper about sweet nothings. I want to kiss you any damn time I feel like it. I want to love you more than I do right now." His voice broke slightly. "You don't need me to fix you because you can fix yourself. You are strong, even though you don't realize it."

I looked away from his pleading eyes. "How can I know you won't leave like the rest?"

PJ tucked a lose strand behind my ear. "Because I'm not going to. I'll never leave until you tell me to."

When I didn't respond, he lifted my chin so I could look him in the eye. "You believe me, right?"

Could I believe him? I knew I wanted to. And I definitely needed to. But could I? Could I really trust him to not break my heart? There's always a risk when it comes to trusting someone. No matter what you do, in some way you get hurt. The game is to choose whether or not it’s worth being hurt over.

Suddenly, my mother's words came back to me and I knew the answer.

"I believe you."

The look on his face proved that I made the right decision.

PJ smiled ear to ear before grabbed my face and before I knew it, his lips were on mine. It wasn't my first kiss, but it felt a million times better than the first. I didn't feel the cliché fireworks like in cheesy romance novels. There was no spark everyone talks about. Instead, I felt a warm vibration that coursed through my body the moment he touched my lips. It was completely new to me, but I gladly welcomed it.

When we pulled apart, PJ simply placed his forehead on mine with his eyes closed. "Wow."

I nodded and chuckled lightly. I pulled on his arm to where I was sat earlier. We laid there in silence. Just gazing into the sky like when we had first met. Only this time there were no stars out and we were no longer strangers.

In matter of minutes, I went from pushing him away to giving him my heart. It was a scary thing, but it was something I was really willing to do. My mother told me to only open my heart to one I thought worthy. And so I did.

What a big mistake.