Non Ducor, Duco 〈 Mikayuu 〉

❌39- I Need You❌

Most of the night was a blur. I remember driving myself home, swerving like one would when they were intoxicated, following Cynthia's soft-spoken instructions.

I remember opening my door.

Tearing off my clothes until all I wore was underwear.

I remember barely processing when Yuu arrived, his frantic muffled speaking behind my door. How he shouted my name once the door was open. Cynthia telling him that I was in my room.

But I do remember his hands, most of all.

How cold they were.

From so many things. The fear that I could be hurt. The time he spent in the cold outside with nothing to warm him.

All because of my simple words.

I need you.

There was no passion behind my words. No lust as one would expect them to contain. No, I needed him to be my rock. To remind me.

That I am the Blue Beast. That I kill people for a reason, and one would not make any difference.

But I did not expect what he did. His cold hands pressed against my tear-stained cheeks, pulling my upper half out from my bed. Yuu laid it upon his lap, a hand rubbing my back comfortingly.

"It's not your fault," He said. So quiet that I almost missed it. I felt his cold thumb trace a scar he left behind so long ago when I was certain he wouldn't. Yuu just surprised me like that.

"It was your instinct," he continued, murmuring against my hair. "And you know it. So many years of fending for yourself..." he trailed off, breathing slow against my head.

"You're a good person."

"No I'm not. You are," I had protested in a slurred voice.

"You are, Mika. You're an amazing person. That's all I can say to describe yourself to you," he said in a stern sort of tone, turning my head to face him.

"Tell me in a way other than words."

He had seemed taken aback, eyes wide as he processed my words. I couldn't tell you myself why I said that. Possibly to forget. To forget the way the man looked at me and saw what the beast that killed him was a man loved by many. Someone who, for all the public knew, had no god damn reason to be risking his life as a fugitive. My lips were upon his in that instant, his want for what I had to offer there for a shred of a second. Then it was almost a sad sort of response.

"Mika," he breathed, looking at me with a pained expression. "You don't have to do that. You know you don't want to."

"I don't want to think about it," I murmured against his lips, tracing his lower lip.

"I'm not a distraction."

"I know," I whisper, voice croaking. "I know, Yuu."

"Do you want me to stay tonight?"

I nodded at his words, leaning back away from him. Yuu paused, hands reaching out. I felt him wipe away new tears, a sad expression still clear on his face as if it pained him to see me like this.

"You can't work tomorrow," he murmured to me. "Not in the state you're in."

"I have to. It's Mr. Rogue-"

"I'll handle it." Yuu speaks with such certainty that it scares me. I knew not of how he would "handle it", only that if I let him it was fated to end in disaster.

But I was too exhausted to stop him.

Instead, I nodded weakly, leaning on him. He had pointed out that I was in my underwear in an exhausted tone. Cynthia had told him to take off his clothes so I wasn't the only one. I had laughed wearily, still frozen with the regret.

And that night, I allowed someone into the side of me only Cynthia and Hyacinth had ever seen.

I allowed Yuu to take care of me. Allowed him to watch me cry.

I don't know when I fell asleep. But I woke up at one in the morning, eyelids heavy. I felt Yuu's shift in where he was on the bed. He was sitting at the end.

"You're Alyssum," he was saying quietly. Not in an angered tone. I never heard what he said that day, only recently piecing such together. "You do what he doesn't. Step into his shoes for a moment."

"Yeah, it does suck. So I need you to use your charm, pull a few strings. Or straight up tell Rogue that Mikaela Shindo will not be going to work tomorrow."

A long pause. I heard a familiar voice on the other line laugh and then sigh.

"Thank you, Cecil. This means the world to me," he sighed in relief. "Yeah. Talk to you later. Bye."

Yuu ended the call, head snapping to me.

"Hey," he cooed, leaning over to me. "Go back to sleep, babe." I feel his hand on my neck soothingly, a kiss upon my lips.

You didn't fuck anything up handling my situation.

Did I talk in my sleep?

Did you hear it?

I thought these questions, but never said anything. Instead I nodded sleepily, already nodding off once more.

I didn't dream that night.

Or the next.

But I did spend my time awake haunted by the man I killed. Yuu told me that I couldn't look into him.

And, since I don't follow anyone's orders but my own, I had attempted to do exactly that.

Only to find that Cynthia had locked me out of it. Not of any orders from someone above or in the same position as myself like Yuu, no.

This was her own free will.

An almost maternal sort of will, to shield me away from something that would only do harm.

But I didn't care.

All that mattered was the fact that I killed someone innocent.

And Yuu didn't see me any differently for it.

Nor did Cecil.

Or the rest of my friends.

They didn't see me differently-

Because they cared.