Polaroids {Philkas|Jamler Oneshots || Slow Updates}

• Sleep || Philkas •

{a/n: alright, uhm . . . so this little piece got inspired by a lot of things - first of all a post by @abby_453216 on twitter/tumblr. so I asked for her permission and with those 1x08 promo pics and gifs, I found that the song Sleep by Poets of the Fall perfectly captured that moment, when Lukas can't fall asleep; I'd highly recommend listen to this song while reading this, as an enhancement, because I listened to it while writing or just in case I might've failed to transfer emotion. Again, this is me kinda re-capping the events of 1x08 for myself, just as for 1x06 (so it might contain spoilers) and is written rather spontaniously. Anyway, hope you enjoy! ~Luca. (word count: 1558 words) P.S.: I'm not good at writing angst, but I tried, I guess.}

• • •
» Hear your heartbeat, beat a frantic pace –
and it's not even seven AM.
You're feeling the rush of anguish settling,
you cannot help showing them in.
Fickle visions crowding your mind. «
• • •

Just as the previous nights for the past month, he lay in bed, unable to fall asleep. He was afraid, because once he would, they'd come back to haunt him; those nightmares, making him unable to move just as he was standing behind that shadows back, frozen and forced to witness –

He squeezed his eyes shut as if it would help anything to keep those images from getting into his head and clutched his father's pocket watch so firmly he feared the glass would crack. He knew it was pointless. It would never stop, no matter how much he tried; it was always the same and would constantly repeat itself without him being able to do the slightest thing about it – over and over and over again.

He couldn't move as the scenery in his head paralyzed him, made him breathless. His heartbeat raced with sudden adrenaline rushing through his veins as he desperately tried to get rid of the images in his head; all for nothing –

He was standing right behind him, holding a frying pan but he couldn't move. His arm felt numb, powerless and drained, just as his body as it began to tremble uncontrollably and his knuckles protruded from his hand in a futile attempt to regain control over his own body that was shaking but didn't obey; his mind fully conscious screamed so jarring, it was piercing his ears and almost made him go deaf. But if anything, he wanted to go blind. He couldn't bear the sight any longer he was compelled to see after a shot tore the air apart and rang in his ears like that one deafening and dreary sound of a heart that had stopped beating; only now, it echoed through the cabin right before his heart would stop, and the life faded from his eyes that were widened in shock and stared right at him as his lifeless body slumped back onto the bed he had been hiding under, blaming him for his death because he had shot him. He shot him.

And he knew he would be next as the phantom hovering over his body slowly turned around to face him, his face nothing but a shadow framed by messy jet-black hair. But he didn't care, for as soon as his life ended, it would finally stop. So he would actually do him a favour. It's said that you don't feel anything apart from a sharp strike of pain just once and only for a mere second as the bullet met the body before going limp.

His knees gave in, making him fall down on them, the rest of his body still trembling and twitching as he watched him coming closer to him and he bet that if he had a face it would be a grimaced mixture of taunt and disdain, maybe even some perverted thrill the chase had given him, eventually having his prey cornered and enjoying the sight of terror in its features. He was terrified to the bone, his breathing heavy and flat as he waited for the gun to be pointed at him. He wanted to scream but the air got stuck in his lungs, cold shivers running down his skin...

He closed his eyes, waiting for the redeeming shot, squeezing his eyes closed so hard it hurt when the trigger was pulled –

With a start, Lukas darted from his sleep yet again, as every other night before; cold sweat running down his temples he agitatedly wiped off, nervously running a hand through his hair and face, while trying to get control over his flat and irregular breathing. Feverish heat seemed to burn his face, although he was cold to an extent he couldn't stop himself from trembling, no matter how hard he tried. He wrapped his arms around himself to get a hold of himself but it simply wouldn't stop. He couldn't breathe. The darkness around him started spinning, making him sick, he couldn't take it any longer; he was there, in the darkness, waiting. He was there, and he would find him, lure him in, and kill him, after . . . –

• • •

"Lukas?" he jerked his head around to see Philip who had slept beside him and was now sleepily rubbing his eyes as he slowly sat up next to him, a shadow of worry darkening his usually peaceful features when he became aware of the situation. His lips were thinned and his eyes saddened as he carefully placed a hand on his shoulder, softly squeezing it. Lukas instantly relaxed, slacking his stiffed shoulders. Closing his eyes, he concentrated on nothing but the warm touch that somehow, almost magically, eased his mental and physical pain to a point where his breathing was still heavy but even. However, he didn't dare to loosen the grip on himself in fear. He was scared of losing control, although he barely had any left anyway; he was scared of giving in, although it wouldn't take much longer until he eventually would if there wasn't anything to keep him sane; because slowly but surely, he was losing his mind.

Lukas flinched, when he became aware of a pair of arms wrapped around his waist that weren't his own. Being so deeply absorbed with his confusing thoughts, he hadn't noticed how Philip had switched his position and unloosened the tight grip of his own arms around him and had pulled him into a hug, his head lightly leaned against his chest, listening to his still rapid heartbeat as it continually settled down. Lukas hesitantly buried his face in Philips hair, taking a deep drag of that unique scent only he had – a mix of meadow and leather – before he clung to him as if for dear life, fisting the fabric of his oversized t-shirt, but Philip didn't mind.

• • •

Minutes in silence passed by, with the two of them holding each other in each other's arms, listening to one another's breathing and not saying a single word until Philip finally broke it, his voice echoing through the darkness, despite being merely above a whisper to not ruin the moment.

"The nightmares again?" he could feel Lukas stiff under his arms, so he pulled him tighter to his body, and just when he thought, Lukas wouldn't answer anymore, he did, his voice shaky.

"Y-yeah..." his voice nearly broke and if Philip could trust his senses, from what he could hear, he was holding back tears. He slowly began to stroke his back lightly, first up – then down – up – and down.

"What are they about?" he asked further, fully aware that that was a sensitive issue, but he had to try. Silence followed, yet again, while Lukas frantically thought about whether or not to tell him. He wanted to, desperately, but he was afraid. Afraid of the mere possibility that, if he spoke out loud, his dreams would come true and if that was ever to happen... but Philip had to know. He was the only one he could know. No one else would understand...

"I – it's the same, every night," he eventually began "I'm standing right behind him, a-and I'm holding the frying pan, but.. I can't move; and then-n – he shoots you," Philip pricked up his ears and after another moment, reluctantly let go of Lukas who snatched for his arms and gripped them tightly. Philip couldn't help but smile mildly at him as he carefully stretched out a hand to gently place it against the ghostly pale skin of his cheek and instantly felt him giving in into the touch as he caressed it with his thumb.

"I – I can't lose you," Lukas admitted mumbling into Philip's palm.

"You won't," he almost swore solemnly as he leaned forward to place their foreheads together.

• • •

Philip gently and slowly, but nonetheless firmly pulled them both back to lie down on his bed, slightly smiling to ease the other, whose eyes still held a look of uncertainty and anxiety he hadn't been able to completely get rid of. Philip sighed devotedly, snuggling in the crook of Lukas neck, the breeze of his breath tickling comfortingly over his exposed skin which even made Lukas tuck up his lips into a tired smile, until he almost completely relaxed under the gently kisses Philip had begun to plant along his jaw as if to assure him I'll be here with every single one of them, sending a pleasant warmth through his body. He continued from his jaw, down his neck to his collarbone before he ended with a last peck on his left shoulder, placing his hand over it as he rested his head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat with closed eyes.

Lukas carefully took Philip's hand in his, stroking its back intently with his thumb, caressing it just as softly as Philip had done with him before.

Philip.

As long as he was there with him, for him, nothing else mattered. As long as he was with him, he was safe. He was the one able to silence his demons, to make him forget about everything, even his nightmares. He was precious to him and he swore to himself, while finally drifting into a dreamless sleep and holding him in his arms all through the night, that he would protect him at all costs, even with his life.