Unkept Memories

Chapter Twelve

The light shined on the calm blue water into our bedroom. I woke up with a burning sensation to do something dangerous. I needed to rebel. Turning over in the bed so I was looking at Ryder, I traced between his gorgeous eyes, the tip of his nose, to his lips and whispers a soft "I love you."

I walked down the stairs to see Natalie spread out on the couch watching a cartoon show in her bikini. The cartoons and my footsteps were the only noises in the house as everyone slept. I plopped down on the couch next to Natalie and look at her ready for the day face.

"I need to do something dangerous," I confess. She had an understanding look.

"Hmm," she started to think, "you could- no," she thought some more looking out the window to the waves rustling up the sand, "I got it."

"Okay, what is it?"

"Oh no I'm not telling you. If you know you will back out."

"Fine."

"Now come on go get your bathing suit on."

I quietly walked up the stairs and into the bedroom lit by the sun. I couldn't understand how Ryder was still asleep with the light right on his face. His hair was messed up with one of his legs stick out from under the bed. Careful not to wake him I slipped on my bikini and raced downstairs. I meted Natalie in the kitchen as she wrote a quick note on a torn off piece of paper.

"You ready?" she asked.

"Definitely," I answered as the feeling grew stronger. I was anxious and excited to get this over with. Who knew what she had in mind?

We walked out to the warm sand with the door quietly shutting behind us. We walked silently as our feet left prints were the sand and water meet. The sun up and the waves were calm, just beginning to wake up. We walked down the shore for a while and fast multiple boulders. We climbed up the side of a rocky hill and walked to the edge of it. The view was absolutely breath taking. You could see water out for miles. The way the sun casted a shadow over the water and the horizon were the sky meets the water. A feeling of calmness breathed through the earth. The blood in my veins flowed freely as I felt the need to get my heart pumping. I walked from the edge back over to Natalie ready to carry on to where we were going. I looked at her expectedly while she looks at me dumbly.

"What?" I asked.

"Aren't you going to jump?" she asked. It downed on me that we were cliff jumping. I walked back to the edge and looked down at the waves crashing up on the side in white and the sharp rocks pocking out of the hill. My hands started to shake and the feeling grew as I watched the intensity of the waves crashing. I looked back at Natalie in her yellow poka dotted bikini.

"You can do it," she said reassuringly. I nodded at her and peered back over the edge. I can't think about it, I just have to jump. Blood pumped through my veins as my mind shut off and I ran full tilt over the edge. It was like time slowed down as a sense of calmness took over again. My hair flew up behind me as I help me knees to my chest. The sun light reflected in the water and blinded me, making everything white.

White. The lights on the car sliding towards us as we braced for the impact we knew was coming. The white wall I would stare at as my father beat the bloody belt on my back. White as the dress I wore to prom with my one love, Ryder. White as my parents car when they drove down the dark road one last time away from me. White like Joey's and Sam's shirt when they would hugged me when I would see them in the halls. Blinding as the sun the shined through a teachers window then I first met Natalie and Hailey. Everything. Blinding and white. A surreal white were you can't see anything. No water, no hill, no trees. Only the white that blinded me as my body plunged under the cold water.

I gasped for breath under the water and came up choking. I fingers and whole body shook as I coughed trying to swim to the land with my eyes closed. The water in my eyes and blindness from the memories made it feel like I couldn't open my eyes. I splashed around feeling like a fish lost in the middle of the ocean. Warm hands wrap around my arms and pushed me. A soft voice faded in and out as my body landed harshly on the sand.

"Angelina can you hear me?" Natalie soft voice faded in and out. I crawled up the bank out of the wet sand and collapsed into the sand. The faces. Ryder's scowl when he first ran into me at school. My dads light up and twinkling eyes as he beats me to near death. Natalie's soft smile as she laughed during movie night. Andrew's teasing eyes when he talked about Ryder. I screamed in agony. The only way I could express it.

"Are you okay?" Natalie spoke over and over trying to get my attention. I felt the warm hand on my should that I didn't pay much attention to. "I'm going to go get Ryder," she spoke with a panicked voice running off leaving her best friend screaming in the sand.

Curled up in a ball refusing to open my eyes I screamed. It was filled with the memories. The vivid scream of agony as the little girl crashes into the passenger side of the car. My third grade teacher applying lip stick. The torn up book I got for my eighth birthday. The carrot that was thrown at me during lunch as a joke. It all came back. Running around bear foot cashing Andrew to meeting my friends to the accident. Everything. Even the most vivid and little detail like the red pony tail that was around my wrist during the accident. It was astonishing to see everything. Pain and happiness rushed through my body.

I hesitantly opened my eyes and blinked a few times to adjust to the light and the water out of my eyes. A worried Ryder runs towards me. His eyebrows pulled together as he runs my body over looking for any injuries. His concerned blue eyes shining in the sun light when they connect with mine. He sat down in the sand in the shorts he was sleeping in and pulls my body into his. I rest upright laying my head on his shoulder as he calmingly moves his hand up and down my back.

"Angelina, Angelina, listen to me," he coos trying to talk between my hear. "It's okay. You're going to be okay," he says while gently wiping away the tears. He whispers sweet nothings into my ear as I cried into his chest. "Angelina, are you hurt?" he asked seriously pulled my face up to look directly at his. A slight head nod no as I look at his pained expression. He sighed obviously not liking the idea of me being hurt.

"I remember," I whispered as my shaky voice cracked.

"I'm sorry," he says as pulling me into him as I cry harder. It was hard to admit out loud. It was painful reliving the abuse of my parents to being raped to watching my brother die right before my eyes. All of it was horrifying. All the evil in the world. No wonder they said I should be happy I don't remember. I didn't have to carry around all the pain the weighs me down. I pull out of Ryder's chest and look at his face. He looks at me with such love and concern it breaks my heart that he has to see me like this. It isn't the first time he has though, each time I told him about all the horrors of my life I would cry as I relived and felt the pain of each memory. "Angelina, there is good in the world," he said surely.

"Too much evil though," I whisper remembering all the events so vividly. I look away from Ryder and out towards to ocean. The ocean that's filled with animals that attack people. The sky that has tornados that kill millions. The sand that get in peoples eyes and the rocks people cut themselves on.

"I think the good outlaws the bad," he explained. "The evil of you parents beating you, think about Sam and Joey who would risk their lives to keep you safe. The evil of being raped, think about the love you and I feel for each other. It's special. The evil of a car accident you couldn't control and can't change, think of the simple things in life that make us happy. They are memories and events that make you who you are. You grow and change from each one of them.

"How so?" I ask because all I remember is the pain I carried around each day trying to hide.

"You smile the brightest because you're hurting the most. You're nice to everyone because you know that everyone is struggling some how. You do so much without even realizing it."

"Thank you," I said leaning up and kissing his soft lips. Afterwards we both turn and watch the waves the slide up onto the sand. I look over at the cliff and feel a weird sense of gratitude. I could see myself, a young scared girl, falling through the sky when life hits reality, when all the unkept memories come back.