Running Out Of Breath

Josh just. does not stop crying. Part 1

The next day, Tyler woke up to soft sobbing. He cracked his eyes open, finding his arms empty, and glanced around the room.

Josh was huddled on the other end of the bed, curled into as small of a ball as he could manage. A stab of worry shot through Tyler – was he okay? Was this just hormones, or was something wrong?

He sat up, crawling over to gingerly place a hand on Josh's shoulder. Josh flinched.

"Josh, what's wrong?" Tyler asked softly. "C'mon, you can talk to me. I'm right here."

"I can't," Josh mumbled.

"You can," Tyler said. "C'mere. At least let me hug you."

Josh relented to this, rolling over. His eyes were red and puffy, nose streaming – he'd evidently been crying for a while. Tyler pulled him into his arms, stroking his hair.

Josh shuddered through another sob, whole body tautening with the effort of containing it.

"Don't do that," Tyler chided him gently. "Cry properly, it's alright. Don't try to suppress it."

"Don't wanna cover you in snot," Josh mumbled.

"Let's be honest, for the past couple of days you've been covering me in much worse than snot," Tyler snorted, and Josh shook with what started as a laugh that then dissolved into helpless tears.

"Oh, baby," Tyler sighed, massaging a hand along Josh's back. "You're a wreck right now, aren't you? You poor thing."

"N-not your baby," Josh choked out between sobs.

A hollow feeling opened up in the pit of Tyler's stomach. "What?"

"Not yours," Josh snivelled. "Never. You never wanted me to be yours. You never wanted to be mine."

"Josh, what are you talking about?" Tyler asked, struggling to make sense of it. Was Josh going nonverbal again, preceding it with nonsensical babble?

"You don't want me," Josh insisted, wiping his face, smearing tears and snot and god-knows-what. Despite it, Tyler was trying to resist the urge to kiss his face all over and tell him everything would be alright.

"What do you mean, I don't want you?" Tyler asked softly.

"You never have," Josh sobbed. "Never. We've been friends for years, and that's – that's it. Nothing else. You never wanted anything else."

Tyler's heart began to hammer furiously.

"And I – I try to be okay with it, try to be okay with just being friends because at least that's something, and it's something valuable and important and I appreciate it s-so much, which is why I can't say anything, because I don't want to ruin it," Josh continued, sniffing wetly. "But it's so hard. And this makes it so much huh-harder."

Tyler sighed. He rested his forehead against Josh's, and let himself hope that this wasn't just Josh's hormones.

"I don't wanna lose you," Josh burbled. "I never wanted to say anything, because I don't want to lose you, but it's so hard and I just wish you knew, sometimes."

"You're saying you've always wanted to move beyond friends, but you've been scared to because you don't want to lose our friendship, is that it?" Tyler asked softly.

"Yes," Josh sobbed. "Tyler, I love you. And – fuck. I've ruined it now, haven't I?"

Josh collapsed into incoherent tears, hiding his face in his hands.

Tyler's heart felt like it was going to explode.

"You big goof," he said gently, prising Josh's hands away and pressing kisses to his face. "You giant, sentimental, hyperemotional moron."

"I-s-sorry," Josh hiccuped. Tyler kissed him, a gentle peck on the lips.

"You've got nothing to apologise for, baby," he said. "C'mere. I love you so much."

Josh blinked wetly as Tyler pulled him into a tight hug. "I didn't ruin it?" he asked.

"Not at all," Tyler said, kissing everything he could reach – Josh's neck, shoulders, jawline, face, hair. "I didn't think you had feelings for me. So I never said anything, either. But, yeah. I love you too, alright? So much."

Josh swallowed hard. "We should have left this conversation for after my rut," he said.

"We should have, but we didn't," Tyler said. "We can talk about it properly afterwards. Until then, though, stop crying and knot me, you moron."

This statement had the unfortunate opposite effect Tyler wanted, instead pushing Josh into even worse crying. Tyler chuckled and rocked him, humming softly.

"Fucking alphas," Tyler sighed, when Josh's bawling had subsided into wet sniffs. "No offense, but you guys are pathetic."

"We really are," Josh mumbled. "Especially me. I keep thinking about Adore Delano and tearing up."

"Jesus. Remind me to never let you watch RuPaul again."

~~ I promise part 2 will be really long!!~~