The Sun And The Stars •completed•

I Already Know (I'll Lose You)

Eli watched the cloud of confusion overtake Audrey's face. He restrained a smile and closed The Bell Jar, carefully placing it back in his bag. She was frozen in time, halfway through sloppily attempting to braid her hair. Her hands remained still in her hair as her brow crinkled and her eyes darted about.

"Is that the end?"

"Yeah, why?"

Audrey shook her head and dropped her hands. "I don't know, it didn't feel right." She said, her usually smiling lips pressed into a straight line. "It didn't?" Eli asked, amused by her legitimate concern.

"Don't play dumb," She lightly pushed his arm, "What's with the ending?"

"What do you think?"

Audrey groaned and pushed him again. Eli finally broke and smiled, and she automatically smiled back. "This isn't school," She forced her lips into a frown. "Just tell me."

"I'm curious," Eli replied, leaning back in his seat. "I want to know what you think." He seemed so relaxed, so laid back, and Audrey wondered if he could always be this way. If it were possible for him to just leave the other side of himself behind. The side that panicked and got too quiet and too sad.

She realized it was ridiculous as soon as she had the thought. It was just the same for her after all. There was who she wanted to be, the little moments in time when she felt herself jumping and skipping and running and laughing uncontrollably. She knew that's who she was, really.

But, it went hand in hand with the other half of her. The half that coughed, shivered, and ached. The part that couldn't breathe. The two of them were kindred spirits, she decided. Two sides of the same coin.

Settling upon keeping Eli smiling, Audrey humored him. Sitting sideways on her seat, she leaned against it, thinking. "It sounds like she's lying." Audrey said finally. "Or, maybe not lying. But it doesn't sound like her. It sounds... Fake."

Eli nodded. Audrey leaned forward and reached into his bag. She opened up the book and flipped to the last page. "The eyes and the faces all turned themselves towards me, and guiding myself by them, as if by a magical thread, I stepped into the room." Audrey read the last line quietly, to herself.

"Is she dead?" Audrey found herself asking, slightly afraid of the answer. She had become quite connected to Esther Greenwood, fictional character or not. She wanted to believe Esther would be just fine.

"I don't know."

"Eli!"

"I don't," Eli sighed, his eyes still smiling at her, "I've read it 8 times now and every time I think something different."

Audrey huffed and handed Eli his book back, closing her eyes momentarily to gather all her thoughts.

"Believe me, if I could ask Sylvia Plath I would."

There was a small, thought filled silence. "Me too."

****

Audrey watched Eli from across the table. They were situated at I-HOP and he was pushing his pancakes around his plate.

They were both quiet, which was unusual, but Audrey's mind was filled with the advice given to her the day before.

Fortunately, Eli was comfortable with silence. Unfortunately, Audrey wasn't. She opened and closed her mouth several times, trying to figure out a way to say anything casual.

Finally, she gave up. There had to be a flaw. Something she could focus in on to settle her fireworks. Carefully, she searched him. How about his skin? Audrey watched Eli feed himself another forkful of pancake. No, it was hopeless.