Before Then

8: We love

I remember the bus ride back was so cold. Four of the windows were open but the other three people on the bus didn't bother to close them. I actually didn't mind the cold, and even more than that, I was flushed. You had kissed me and my first reaction was to just stand there not doing anything. After a few seconds you pulled away, gave me a look I couldn't understand. Your eyes said you were guilty for doing that, then your eyes told me you were the happiest man alive, but you were trying to figure me out.

In moments like those I don't tend to show emotion. I always kept a poker face. I was blushing I know that, but I didn't know what I was thinking at the time. I don't think I liked you then, but I didn't hate the kiss either. I chocked it up to me not having enough human contact, but that still didn't make the butterfly's subside inside of me. I walked away, opened the door scaring Alex, and left without a word. You didn't follow me.

December 29th wasn't busy at all at the shop, you didn't show up, no one did. It was just me and the odd person who came in, bought a coffee or something and left. Kate wasn't there, probably with her family getting ready for New Year's. I didn't write anything or read anything, I just sat staring at the fogged over window. If the bell rang I would snap my head to the door, but it was never you.

December 30th, my place was suffocating me. I needed to walk around a little. I remember it being nice out, it was about six and the sun was already gone, but it was warm enough to just wear a sweater. The odd time I would hear a firework go off, or a kid running down the street with their friends screaming with sparklers. The city was probably already at Time Square waiting for that stupid ball to drop. I didn't understand why people loved to stand around in the cold with thousands of other people, and wait and scream for hours on end. I still don't understand even now.

It was a New Year, and the New Year would be just like the last for lots of people. I guess they just wanted to have a reason to drink, and then swear off a bunch of stuff for lent, but to me those were still weak reasons to stand around doing nothing. Not like I was doing anything better at the time. I remember zoning out for a while and then finding myself at the park. A few couples were walking around, but other than them it was just me and the snow. The bench I would sit on was covered so I kept walking. The lights didn't really help the pathway as it was still dark. After a while a person was walking the other way and as they were about to pass me when they grabbed my arm and made me jump.

I was going to scream but my throat closed up, I couldn't get a single word out. The person didn't say anything, just let go of me and was standing there. I was going to run but my legs failed me, I was stuck to that spot looking at this persons black face. "Jane, it's me." I snapped out of it when it was Evan and let out my breath.

"You asshole, I almost had a heart attack!" I snapped at you, but you didn't do anything. I sighed and waited for you to say something, but you didn't say anything, I was getting impatient. Scaring me had sucked all the heat right out of my body and I was already starting to shiver.

"I'm sorry." You said, just before I was about to walk away. "I don't know why I did what I did at my house. It was in the moment I guess, but you probably didn't feel it like I did. Look, it's up to you if you want to ignore it or say it didn't happen, but I'm always going to be here. I just want to know if you felt, anything when I did that, anything good." We stood there in the dark for a long time, me shivering and racking my mind for any kind of response. I didn't know what to say, I didn't want to say anything but I also didn't want to forget what happened.

"I don't know what I felt." I couldn't tell what you were thinking, couldn't see your face, couldn't have known you were going to kiss me again. This time longer, deeper, you wanted me to feel it that time, to understand what you were trying to tell me, and I did. I wasn't sure what that meant for me though. I kissed you back and this time when you pulled away, I could see you still covered in the dark, but I could see everything you were.

The lights behind you made you glow, and you looked at me with care, love, and I knew I was your book that you would write, and edit for the rest of your life. I looked at you like a candle, but not to block you out, to lighten myself. I was still drawing a blank, I knew nothing about you. You knew nothing about me and yet there we were, looking into each other's eyes like we were all each other did know.

January 1st.