The Night. Darkness. The dark was the only thing that made Yuuri feel safe. It wrapped around him like a blanket, blinding him from the memorieis around him. He liked that. He didn't want to be reminded of the things that had made him this way.
The morning. How Yuuri yearned for the morning. The nights were terrible. Long and daunting. They filled him with terror. They were absolute torture. They opened doors in his mind that he didn't know existed. Behind those doors where things that haunted him. Voices. Questions. Doubts. Fears. Maybe he didn't feel as safe in the darkness as he thought he did.
Yuuri dragged his body out of him warm, cozy bed and got dressed. It took so much effort to get up each morning when he had no motivation to do so. For years and years he'd struggled to find motivation and purpose, but he'd been unsuccessful so far. Why did he bother? Why did he put himself through so much pain when it was for nothing? What was he holding onto to stay alive?
He shook his head and pushed his thoughts to the back of his head. He couldn't be dealing with it today. He was too vunrable. Three sleepless nights in a row had led him to the point where he could just drop on the floor in exhaustion and lay there and not care.
He grabbed his coat and bag and hurried out of his house. He made his way across the bridge and up to The Detroit ice rink. He opened the door and inhaled the scent. It was a scent that he'd become used to over the three years that he'd trained there.
"Yuuri! What are you doing here this early? It 6:30am!" Ashley, the owner Called from behind the counter.
"Is it okay if I skate for a bit? I want to practice for a bit before I go to study."
"Yeah sure! By the way, have you been sleeping alright? You look awful." She Asked. Since he'd moved to Detroit to train, they'd become really good friends.
"Oh, thank you." Yuuri replied sarcastically.
"Oh nono I didn't mean in that way! I get worried about you, honestly now."
"I'm fine. Thanks for asking." He replied before sitting down and tying his skates. He proceeded to walk out to the rink. He stepped on carefully and skated to the middle.
Who am I doing this for?
Why am I even skating in the first place? He thought to himself.
The Grand Prix Was coming up. He had a month until qualifying started. He'd been put in the Russia and Japan cups. He was up against his idol in the first cup. Viktor
He didn't stand a chance.
That's what saddened him the most. He tried and tried to be the best he could but he failed each time. He was so scared of not being good enough it was eating him alive. Everyone expected too much of him. He was a 21 year old student who too insecure and anxious for his own good and happened to be good at skating.
He tried to express himself as he skated his routine, but the only emotion he could seem to express was sadness. It kind of made him feel better. Skating was a way to let out his emotions, we was lucky that he didn't have to keep them all bottled up inside. If that were the case he'd probably already be dead. On the other hand, he didn't like to show people how truly vulnerable he was. He was weak, and he could bear the thought of anyone else finding that out.
It was a pity that his chosen theme for his year had been happiness. The only emotion he couldn't seem to express. The one he didn't know the true meaning of. Yuuri would never know what true happiness was to him. No one would voluntarily help him. Not for all the stars in the universe.
What a life I'm living Yuuri though as he finished his routine. Self confidence is key to being successful and I haven't got an ounce of it.
He quickly got off the rink and placed his skates back in his bag. He thanked Ashley before leaving the building. He'd be back later to train with his coach and phichit anyway.
He looked over at the sunrise as he crossed the bridge again. It was beautiful. He stopped for a moment to admire it. A few birds came into view, flying freely through the sky.
How Yuuri wished he could be as free as them.
Because at the moment he felt he was chained down in the harsh reality that was his life
----
Started writing: 27th of October
Finished writing: 28th of October
Word count: 785
Published: 5th of November
Thank you for reading, chapters will be longer I'm just starting out at the moment so the first few should be short and probably really shit tbh
Have a good dayyyy!
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Atelophobia|| victuri
FanfictionAtelophobia: The fear of not being good enough. •• All his life, all that mattered to Yuuri was being good enough. Expectations were sky high for him, and that was slowly tearing him apart. He wanted it to stop. He wanted everything to stop. He didn...
