Kinley

Saturday

Saturday. The best day. No clients, no obligations, and today it's raining. I love the rain. It just feels like everything and everyone is being cleansed. The air just feels better when it rains. It's been a few days since I stayed with Ollie but only now do I feel better and cleansed of that attack. I need the rain to survive. The worst part about being in California is the lack of rain. I should move to Seattle; or even London. I could never move though. California is my home; Ollie is my family. I don't have anyone else, and I can't be by myself; I'd end up dead.

A knock on my door pulls me out of my thoughts. "Come in, Oliver!" I yell from my room. I don't plan on leaving my room so I had Ollie come over to be with me. "Hey Kin. What do you want for breakfast?" Ollie walked into my room with a glass of water. He hands me the cup as I reply, "Can you make me a bowl of fruit and some cereal?" I don't eat many breakfast foods such as eggs, meats, dairy, or anything not vegan. My lifestyle is completely accepted by Ollie although he still eats meat.

Ollie leaves me alone with my thoughts to go cut up some fruit. Sometimes I question why I don't just marry Ollie and be with him forever and not worry about people asking me why I'm single. I know I don't want to be with anyone so I know I would just be a pain in his ass. Everything would go wrong. My anxiety and panic disorder would take over and he'd divorce me, I can see it already. I know relationships and I know all of mine fail. I can't lose Ollie to something like that. I'm glad we're both uninterested in relationships. That way we can just watch the rain hit the window. I stare at the drops on my window as Ollie walks into the room with a bowl in each hand. "Fruit or cereal?" I smile and just reach for both. I pour the fruit into my cereal and Oliver shakes his head and lays on the bed next to me.

"Hey Kin, you never actually explained why you became a marriage counselor. I've known you since I was 20 and I have no idea." I think about that for a minute and realize that he's right. I have never, in these ten years, explained why I deal with other people's problems. "Well, my parents had an awful marriage and went to counseling. I had to go with them, after their session the counselor would talk to me. I really liked her. She did help my parents; mainly by getting them divorce lawyers. I also helped fix most of my friends relationships through high school and college. Which is where you met me. Remember Carla and Rick? Yeah, I helped them a lot." Ollie laughed at the memory of Carla and Rick. "I guess that makes sense, Kin. What about your own relationships though? Like, what about Derek? You were really into him. What ever happened between you two?" I laughed a sorrowful laugh... "You." Ollie stared at me intently with his pale blue eyes. He looks as if he's trying to come up with the scenario of what happened instead of just asking. "What do you mean 'you'?" I sighed. "You and I were already friends when I started dating Derek. By the time you and I were best friends, Derek wanted to get serious with me. I personally didn't want to. I was only a sophomore in college, I didn't want serious. He got jealous of the time I spent with you. He accused me of being in love with you and not him. I told him that he was wrong but he just got angry. He told me that if I wanted to stay with him, I'd have to stop talking to you. I refused instantly and he just got even more angry. He tried to hit me. I left him and never heard from him again." Ollie looked angry; and scared? "He tried to hit you? And you never told me?" I sighed. "You would have killed him Ollie. It's okay. That was 8 years ago. I've forgotten about it."

After sitting in silence for a few minutes Ollie asks me another question. "Who else did you date in college? I mean, you didn't tell me everything; obviously." Why did he say it like that? I told him most things, except that because I didn't want him to go to prison. "Well, I dated Derek, Andrew, Kathy, Odessa, Carmen, Tate, Jake, and, well, you." Oliver smirked. Was it because I mentioned him, or because I dated three girls? I see his half smirk become a frown. Ollie looks out the window, his expression shows that he's in deep thought. He has a small wrinkle above his left eyebrow that shows when he's thinking. His expression becomes blank as though he doesn't want you to know what he's thinking about. I don't wish to disturb him so I just sit with him and stare out the window. The rain has stopped. I see the sun start peeking out from behind the clouds.

"I love you, ya know. You're my best friend and I wouldn't want to lose you for the world. I know you deal with your panic attacks but I don't care. I'll be there for all of them, even if you don't want me there. I know we broke up because you understood that you didn't want to be with anyone and you were better on your own. I get that and I respect that, and I've discovered myself in the process. I love where we are and how we are. I want nothing to change." Ollie finishes talking and he looks down at his hands. I lean over and lay my head against his shoulder. "I love you too, Ol."

We sit silently and wait for the rain to return. Eventually it's time for lunch and we're both hungry. Neither of us plan on leaving the apartment anytime soon. Ollie get up to make some soup from a can. I sit and ponder our friendship. My disorders got in the way of our relationship. We tried and failed yet our friendship grew stronger. I don't want to try again and have our friendship fall apart. I toy with my hands as I think of the possible outcomes. He knows me better than I know myself. He knows what I need when I panic. I panic a lot... I have a constant amount of anxiety throughout the day and if that level elevates even a little, I have an attack. I can't breathe, I can't see, I will more than likely pass out and sleep for hours at a time. Ollie knows how to keep me from falling, he knows not to mess with me until I wake up on my own. He even knows when to call my clients to cancel or reschedule. He knows my triggers and how I look when I start to panic.

I've had panic disorder ever since my parents died when I was 12. I panic when I feel I have no control over a situation I'm in. I used to hurt myself after I panicked to feel that I had control over the pain I experienced. It didn't work very well; just left a lot of scars and insecurities. I stopped when I met Oliver. He was something I had control over because I knew he'd never disappear without telling me or do anything to scare me. He had my back through college and I had his. Now, we practically live together. I clench my jaw to prevent a panic attack because of the thought of him leaving. I got rid of all of the friends I no longer wanted around. Without Ollie, I'd have no one. I'd have the rain. I'd let the rain drown me in it's sorrow. I always thought the rain fell because it was giving up, but maybe it falls to help others. The rain is sacrificing itself so that the earth can live. It seems like a love story to me. I watch as the rain begins to fall again and Ollie enters the room with two bowls of soup. I recall what I was thinking about and realize that my thoughts were all over the place. I don't know how to reply when Ollie asks me what I was thinking about.
We silently eat our soup and listen to the rain. Some small talk occurs yet we don't say anything. I think about the love story I was thinking about earlier. "What do you think of when you watch the rain? I ask him. He looks at me sorta puzzled. "Well, I think of you. I know how much you enjoy the rain and how it brings you peace. Why do you ask?" I shrug. "No reason."