A Selfish Moment

10 - SUNDAY - Everett - 2:00 AM

Iran is claiming to be almost nuclear capable and Israel is threatening war. President Obama repeatedly calls for peace for everyone in the Middle East; things look more dismal than ever. What does that matter when all I can do is recall Jubilee's Queens-accented voice stating that I make her nervous? I can only read about the state of foreign affairs so much before images of Jubilee's breasts heaving inside her black, satin bra distracts my reading. The lavender scent in her hair Friday night smelled so sweet that I had to entangle my fingers in the strands. My black, leather computer chair tilts back and I stare straight up at my ceiling, wondering if Jubilee is sleeping. She must be. She wouldn't let that muscle head in her home. She's not that kind of girl.  

The flawless image of her tongue licking her lips over and over taunts me until I find myself pacing in my kitchen, slamming cabinet doors for no reason. I'm not hungry, at least not for food. I don't think I have ever loathed myself as much as I do now, having wimped out earlier, letting Kile take Jubilee home without making a scene just to avoid an awkward moment. Jessica's behavior and my passiveness must have pushed her to leave with Kile. That has to be it. There is no way she chose Kile over me.

They memory of Keri leaving me suddenly occupies my thoughts. I knew it was coming. I had known about her affair long before she told me, but I avoided the confrontation because I had this stupid idea...that if I didn't acknowledge it, then it didn't really exist. I actually believed that, somehow, by not dignifying the situation with a reaction, there was nothing for me to fear. It was just a small, insignificant bump on our road to happiness.

I felt safe in the bushes, in the dark, for months after I found out. A year later, I completely forgot all about her affair. I was certain that when we had sex, she thought only of me, of the moment. When she came clean with the truth, her betrayal and my indignity was all too real.

I promised myself that would never happen again. I was never going to just suck it up.

At work, I call everyone out: liars, cheaters, anyone who deserves it. I even got fired once for getting a little short with a CEO when she demanded a complex project within two weeks. When I told her that her request was unrealistic, everyone sitting around the conference table became as silent as the dead.

"Explain." Shelly Murphy commanded, probably wondering why I wasn't shaking in my boots like everyone else in the meeting.

"What's the ROI?" I asked. "Are there sales numbers attached to this project? What's the rush?"

"I want it done," she said, not answering me.

This woman was on a power trip and everyone directly under her cowered in fear of losing their jobs. I hate people like this, who take advantage of their subordinates' anxieties to make them weaker and more dependent. As I scanned the conference room table, I noticed no one was looking up from their notepad, phone, or laptop. It was just me and Shelly arguing alone in a room full of bobble-head dolls.

"Can you do it?" she asked in a vexed tone.

"No. Technically, it can't be done in two weeks." My glare could have set her red hair on fire. "I can go into details on why we would need more time, if you like."

Shelly adjusted herself in her chair, her eyes steadily locked on mine. "Spare me the details. What if you hire a few more consultants? We can work nights and weekends to meet the deadline."

We, she said. It was a deadline whether I agreed to it or not. I wasn't just going to take on a project that was doomed from the start. I narrowed my eyes at her inconsiderate attitude and explained to her as politely as possible, holding back a mountain of patronization, "It doesn't work that way. Throwing more people at a project like this will only complicate things, not help. It still takes time to code, debug, integrate, and test. As the old adage goes, you can throw all the doctors you want at a pregnant lady, but it still takes nine months to have a baby."