Journal of a Girl

Journal Entry 1

10/19/17
Dear reader,

I say reader because I want people to read my journal. It's not a secret, maybe somehow this will help you.

Today I came to a realization (ha ha yes drake) that I need to let someone I let close to my heart go.

Don't want to get into all of it but girls...or guys. You ever been in relationships where you thought you loved them but they weren't the one and things ended. Is that truly love? When you say you love them but it doesn't last. How is it love when it ends? I don't get love,

Going back to what I was saying. I've had long meaningful relationships before but when I met this guy....I felt something I never did before. Like how your stomach drops and churns into butterflies when you think of them, how your heart races, your eyes sparkle, and you're whole body is warm. That's what I felt when I only thought of him. Sounds so silly to say when I was never his to begin with.

I won't drop a name but let's call him Navy Guy. Yes he is in the navy. He made me feel things I never felt before in my life, granted I only met him 2 times in person which makes me sound kind of crazy. But we talked 24/7 before he left for bootcamp. He came back things changed. I knew they would but I never imagined that he would be playing me like a violin to his sick games

He thought I was stupid. That I didn't know. I blinded myself to see what I wanted because I cared so much for a a guy that couldn't even bother to respond to a text when he could be online for hours posting.

He will never know the hurt it caused me, the stress, anxiety, sadness, anticipation, and heartache. In the end he will say I didn't truly care for him and that he was right not to make it official so soon. But in my heart I know the truth was that I was only an option among other girls that were believed to be special as well.

Fucked up right? Wait till you get to know my head.

What's sad is that in this time and generation this is a social norm and we as the receiving end of getting played expect and are use to this. Is this not ridiculous? It's sad to know that people are use to getting played.

I'm use to the way he treats me, which is unacceptable. I know mentally all of this is wrong but my heart sees and tells me different. If he doesn't respond to my confrontation I'll ignore him as well. If he does reply then...I kinda know the answer already I'm going to still walk away from this shitty situation.

All I seem to do is think of him..
My head is always on him
I need to get my priorities straight
I need to listen to what other people tell me about the situation I'm in
He's hurting me and I'm letting him
Why do we let these kind of people hurt us
I feel so stupid
So useless
Unwanted
Ugly

Well I'm sorry. This was basically just about a guy. What girl doesn't have guy problems though. This was where my head was at most the day...rather most the time of every day.