Hallucinogens (Ryden)

XIX

Ryan was okay. Maybe not great, but definitely coping. Even though he hated to admit it, telling someone had really helped. It alleviated some of the stress of the event. He no longer had to pretend as much. Brendon would be able to know why Ryan would be acting a certain way now and it made their relationship flow much easier than before. 

Ryan still woke up in the middle of the night, shaking and afraid.

He still found himself hiding away in bathrooms, too frightened to go outside.

It was hell, always had been. But at least he wasn't alone. Brendon was always there. Beside him when he woke up or on the other side of the bathroom door. Ryan had faith in Brendon and Brendon was sure he didn't want to leave or give up, as Ryan had said earlier when he was jumping to conclusions. 

Leaving their home was still a rare occasion but Ryan wouldn't let that defeat him as easily as it used to. Brendon had made him start going to therapy. Ryan had opposed, screamed and had a tantrum followed by a panic attack. But Brendon kept talking to him, calming him and bringing out his rational side. He had explained it to him even when Ryan wasn't listening. He must have explained it a million times, but it was okay. Brendon didn't mind.  

Ryan wasn't sure how he deserved that, such a caring and kind soul like Brendon to look after him. But he sure as hell was not going to complain.

"I'm not sure.. I don't know, I think we should just call it off, B."

Brendon turned to look at his boyfriend, currently sat on the floor, and raised an eyebrow. Ryan had been like this all morning, they would be getting ready, doing a mundane task, and he would suddenly stop and just start doubting everything. 

Brendon let out a heavy sigh, "Ryan, you're going. And I'll come with you, for as long as you need, okay? I know you're strong enough for this."

"No, you don't. I- what if he doesn't even like me? What if it's absolutely awful? You know I don't want to remember all that," his voice grew smaller, "I don't want to be forced to talk about it."

Brendon crouched down so that he was at eye-level with Ryan. He placed a hand on his shoulder to get him to look up from the floor. He spoke after looking into both his boyfriends eyes, trying to figure out what was going on behind them, "you won't be forced to talk about anything, I promise. This is all about you feeling comfortable."

"What if he doesn't think that I- that I was even.. you know because it was a woman. T-that I just wasn't fighting it enough or that I wanted it." Ryan's eyes were brimming with tears. 

"What if he tells me to just suck it up?"

Brendon ran a finger tentatively over Ryan's cheek and looked back up into his eyes, "that's not going to happen. You know that isn't true, so why should a professional think like that? And even if a professional thinks that way, you can just walk out, we'll find someone better. Someone who actually knows what they're talking about. You don't have to take a therapists bullshit, you're in control. Without you they wouldn't be getting any money."

Ryan interjected, "you mean, without you they wouldn't be getting any money. I mean I still think you shouldn't be paying for all this. I'm doing fine I don't need to pay someone to tell me I'm unstable and crazy, I already know."

"Ryan just answer me this, do you want me to be able to come up from behind and hug you when you're cooking without you feeling all panicky and constricted?"

Ryan shook his head, "that's not what I'm trying to say, some shrink won't fix me. I'm too broken I-"

"You know I hate it when you talk like that. This is just another reason you need to go. Just please, at least try?" Brendon begged.

Ryan tied his shoes and hesitantly got up, brushing the hair from his face and then speaking "only for you."

The End.

A/N

It's kind of sudden that I decided to end this book, I just didn't feel the spark anymore. I'm a different person now to the person who made this story up. Regardless, I hope you somewhat enjoyed this mess. 

I'll be writing more in the future, I'm not done with Ryden just yet. ;)