The 100: Ways To Survive

Chapter 19: Reminiscing

Clarke

We walked into the woods above the training centre, and sat down on a log. The stars were shining bright above us, we faced the woods, the unknown. I sat with ankles crossed and my hands intertwined resting on my legs. Bellamy sat with his legs apart and his arms resting on his thighs, his hands dangling between his legs. "Why's he like that?" Bellamy groaned, bring his head towards his upright hands, making his thumbs touch his temple and his fingers intertwining.

"He's been through a lot," I calmly said, my voice quiet and soft.
"We all have," Bellamy bitterly said.
"I remember when we first came here," I thoughtfully said, "the excitement we all felt. Octavia going swimming-"
"And then that monster coming to attack her," Bellamy interjected, his voice sounding tired and husky, "I wasn't even there to protect her."
"That's because you were starting the wrist band war with Murphy, he was your lap dog."

"I was a dick," Bellamy spat, staring daggers at the ground, "I turned so many people against each other. All of the violence and arguments because I shot the chancellor. I pushed O away with trying to protect her and myself. I always fuck up, always angry. I did the same with... with Pike..." Bellamy trailed off, hanging his head low,
"But once we came under attack and patched things up with the grounders and Lincoln, you helped us," I tried to reassure him, rubbing his shoulder comfortingly and leaning close.
"I did awful things," Bellamy shook his head and but his hands between his legs.
"And then we destroyed the Mountain. Saving everyone... All those people that I killed. Maya..." I trailed off, guilt made me feel sick.
"You did what you had to, to save us and the grounders," Bellamy comforted me, and then his tone became bitter, "unlike me, who killed all those innocent grounders out of anger."
"What's done is done," I mumbled, "you're not the first. And it's not like you murdered people close to you, like I did. Maya, Finn, Lexa, who else is going to die because of me?" A single tear rolled down my cheek. So much death.

"Maya was for us, one life for thousands more. Finn was because of he murdered children, you saved him from a tortuous death. I should've faced the same fate. And you didn't kill Lexa, she was shot. You tried to save her. You loved her." Bellamy said, his tone serious and dark, "I got Lincoln killed."
"No, Pike killed him-"
"Because I let him. I was meant to protect her," Bellamy bitterly said, "she was my little sister and I was meant to protect her. And now she hates me. I've let her down so many times."
"She doesn't need protecting and she'll forgive you-"
"Jasper will forgive you too. And Raven understands," Bellamy interrupted, his voice sincere.

"We've all changed so much. Octavia changed from that little excitable girl into a warrior. We're all warriors, we've all killed and lost. I never asked to be a leader, I just became one-"
"I know, you always did the right thing. You saved Jasper when he was dying, when I was prepared to... And I almost killed Murphy for killing Wells-" my throats felt tight at the sound of Wells' name, it hasn't even been that long since his life was lost, "-but it was that little girl. And then we realised, death wasn't the answer. We should've listened to you."
"Murphy wasn't happy about it, but I said from the beginning, blood must not have blood."

"Murphy came back after being tortured to hang me," Bellamy let out a half-hearted laugh.
"It feels like we've been here ages, all that seems ages ago, but it's barely been a few months. We've all grown and changed. We're all just kids who grew up way too fast."
"Yeah, that's true. We've all killed and lost." Bellamy's voice was soft and sad.

I looked at him and reminisced, "I remember when you comforted me. When Raven came back and... Finn, he was with her, but you changed. It was like after Adam and Charlotte, you changed. We became a team. You were always there for me," I said in a soothing voice, trying to cheer him up.
Bellamy turned his head to look at me, we were looking into each other's eyes, and Bellamy said, his tone serious, "I'll always have your back Clarke. We work well together. You keep me on the right path. I remember when you said you needed me, I need you too, Clarke."
And then my lips touched his. It was a gentle kiss and I quickly pulled away. I looked down at the ground. He still was watching me.
"Lexa would want you to be happy," Bellamy said, "I remember when you left after we destroyed the mountain and all that shit with Finn. Please don't leave me, Clarke. When that Mountain shit was happening and I was going to go on a suicide mission and you told me that you needed me... Clarke, please don't leave me again."
"I won't," I responded, meeting his gaze.