Dear Diary

Chapter 4

Dear Diary,

Today it felt like I was walking through a fog. It was so hard to concentrate and understand my surroundings. Maybe I have a concussion? No, Father hasn't hit me that hard in awhile... It was like my brain had stopped working. I couldn't of pretended to be alright if I wanted too.

I didn't understand it then, but I heard Kyoya and Tamaki talking. Well, more like Kyoya yelling at Tamaki while Tamaki stood in shock. Kyoya was telling him how much I was hurting, because he wouldn't talk to me... He shouldn't of bothered. Tamaki is doing the right thing. I'll only ruin their lives.

Diary, what's wrong with me?

:-----------------:

Dear Diary,

I got dragged to go to the beach and stay at Kyoya's place for a day or two. Haruhi got into a fight to save some guests and Tamaki is really mad at her. I don't understand. Sure she's a girl, but that doesn't mean anything. Tamaki was just being sexist. She tried to do what was best and luckily she didn't get harmed. He should be proud she stood her ground.

I wouldn't of been able too. Just like I can't stand up to my Father. I admire Haruhi for that. She's so strong, brave, and selfless. I'm nothing like her. I'm weak, pathetic, and needy. I'm not fit to lick the bottom of her shoe and defiantly not fit enough to be her friend. Yet, somehow I am...

Dinner was awkward. I left early. I couldn't take the stifling atmosphere. I went outside. A storm had been almost on us at that point. An hour later I had been still outside and got soaked to the bone.

Tamaki's door was in the same hallway as mine so I had to pass his on the way to my room. Everyone was at the door. I wish I had kept walking. Haruhi was sitting on the floor, eyes and ears covered. Tamaki was in front of her kneeling. I had felt something in my chest ache. I didn't know what it was. After one of the twins pointed it out, I realized that they were doing inappropriate things before the hosts barged in. I ran away crying. No one,
but Kyoya noticed.

Thirty minutes after that was a haze. I remember being in my room and Kyoya was telling me to breath, but I couldn't. I was suffocating. I think he calmed me down somehow. Apparently that's called an panic attack. I've had them before. Either when I knew that night Father was going to be particularly violent or when I thought about the hosts finding out how worthless I actually am.

Kyoya told me what was really going on with Tamaki and Haruhi. He was just helping her out. She's scared of thunder.

Kyoya made me confess something that I've been hiding from myself. I like Tamaki. And it hurt so bad, because I can never have him. I don't want to taint something so pure with my pathetic self. I also told Kyoya something else. I liked him too. He takes care of me even when I don't want him too. He's the reason to my madness. Tamaki is the sunlight that breaks through my darkness. He heals me in his own way too.

I was so confused. I still am. After I confessed, Kyoya kissed me. It felt so good. I was like a starved man eating for the first time in days. Everything was burning. My lips, my face where he touched me, everywhere his hands wandered burned.

We all left the next day. I still haven't talked to Kyoya about what happened. And I still haven't even talked to Tamaki.

Diary, is it possible to love two people at the same time?

:----------------------:

Dear Diary,

Some weird girls came and tried to take Haruhi. The hosts dressed up as girls to stop Haruhi from leaving. She didn't thankfully.

Kyoya saw me looking longingly at the pretty dresses and makeup and let me dress up afterwards. Tamaki had walked in as Kyoya lent into kiss me. Instead of getting mad he blushed at us? I didn't and still don't understand. But Kyoya had his stupid, knowing smirk on his face.

Diary, just what is going on with the three of us?

:-----------------------:

Poor oc-chan is depressed. Cri. But look plot and development! The whole Kyoya thing was a spur of the moment type thing. Oh well...