The Realms [Watty 2017 Shortlist]

Forgiveness - Part 32

We appear in a small bedroom that houses an anti-aging bed. I hesitate in the doorway and she steps back so I have more room to enter. I use my voice, even though my thoughts are written all over me, "I'm sorry, Vallator Sarah, for everything that I once did to you." I can't look at her, haven't looked at her full in the face since I regained my sight. But, then I find some courage; I have to face the people I wronged. I don't want the keepers to be right about me anymore; I'm better than they believe.

She frowns. "It turned out to be the least of my worries. I never really thought I'd get Ryan, but I never expected him to choose you. It was hard to see him pick you; you weren't easy to like." She starts making the bed in front of her. Over her shoulder she says, "The two of you are still together?"

There's no easy answer to that question, so I let her read me and move on. "Is the man you're bonded to..." I'm not sure what to ask her. If it isn't safe to be outside, I don't understand why he isn't home.

"He died. A few years ago. I wasn't able to protect us all." She tucks in the paper thin moisturizing pad over the bed and turns to face me. Now that I can see her clearly, her light brown hair looks limp and thinner than in my memory. Her brown eyes have a dullness that makes my heart ache for her. The roundness of her brown face has angles and lines that once seemed impossible.

"I didn't think...I mean, you can die on the First and Second Realm, but I always understood death on the Third Realm to be tied to a third generation? The Population Control Act?"

She weighs her words carefully. "That was before; the power in the realm has been corrupted for too long." Seeing and hearing my confusion, she continues, "Ryan's father managed to bind immortality to himself. He's the only one who can't be killed, but no one will follow him anymore. The rest of his power seems to be tied up in keeping his enemies from making his life miserable. Once Ryan left, all reason went with him." She rubs her temples and looks weary. Her wall is down and I can feel the headache throbbing in her; it seems to be linked to any thoughts of Grayson. Headaches aren't the norm on the Third Realm.

I check my watch, feeling a sense of panic at the time passing, knowing that I have only one chance to put things right. "When is first light?"

"Four hours." She steps back over to the chute. "I can wake you, if you like. I suspect you're going to need your rest for what you've planned."

I'm afraid to sleep; I don't want to have four hours less to live my life, free and alive on the Third Realm. I need to plan, call up my mental maps, think of all the possibilities.

She pauses and looks conflicted; her mental wall has gone back up. She sighs, having made a decision. "Follow me." She walks out of the room and down a tiny hall. At the end of the hall there is a small sliding door, only big enough for a child to squeeze through. She gestures towards the crawl space and I think she's changed her mind about where I'm allowed to sleep. 

She laughs a little and when her eyes meet mine, they are tinged with humour. "Not quite." She gives me a slight smile. "I'll never like you, Siren Hannah...there's just too much past between us. But, I always believed that Ryan was the right choice for this realm. This door leads to a series of tunnels that can get you closer to the huts. They don't go all the way because no one chooses to go out there. Children use them, mostly, so there isn't a lot of room to move around."

Excitement and fear war in my belly. I never had strong navigational skills and I'm not sure if I'll end up in a worse position by avoiding the well-worn paths.

Her wall comes down and her hope floods over me with tinges of forgiveness. "The Siren I once knew wouldn't risk or give up so much for others. My son Hadley is a transporter and he can navigate you through the tunnels if you keep your mental wall down."

I smile at her, relieved and anxious about the reminder that so many people are unknowingly counting on my success. "I'm not sure I could keep it up even if I wanted to." I hesitate, feeling the words to match my feeling stick in my throat, "Thank you."

"I...I would not have wished this fate or these choices on you." She weighs her words carefully and she allows me to feel the sadness that clouds all her other emotions regarding me.

"The worst part is, at one time, I would have gladly wished them on you. You were always more emotionally advanced." I give her a half smile, filled with sadness and gratitude. I duck down into the narrow tunnel, like a ghost in the night.

####

As Hadley navigates me through the tunnels we discuss what the realm used to be like and I'm amazed at how much his mother hasn't told him. I wonder if it is to spare him or to spare her.

"She used to talk about Ryan – she thought he'd come back someday. But, she hasn't talked about him in a long time."

My heart stops for a moment and I wonder what a long time really means to a child.

"I don't know. It just feels like a long time." He answers my unspoken question and I curse my lack of a filter for the millionth time since he started steering me through the tunnels.

"She thought Ryan was the answer?"

"So do you. I can feel it." His innocence shines out of him like a beacon in the dark.

I can't help smiling. "How much further? It feels like I've been down here for hours." In the darkness, it's impossible to see the watch and I curse the Time Keeper's shoddy workmanship.

"Not far. Two more turns and you'll be close to the huts. I've never been above ground near the huts though, so I don't know how you get out of the tunnel. You'll have to search for a chute or a door."

He stays behind, mentally guiding me the last little way. I followed the rest of his directions and then thank him for helping me. I feel him pause as he puts up his mental wall and then it comes down again, one last time. "I don't like the future you picked for yourself. You seem too nice to be stuck on the First Realm forever."

I laugh softly and then realize he won't know I laughed, but he'll be able to feel the emotion in my thoughts. "Ask your mother about me someday when you're older. You might feel differently then."

I put up my mental wall without waiting for a response. I can't afford to get into a conversation with him about all the reasons why my fate is quite fitting. Although I don't have a light, having him in my head made me feel like the tunnels were illuminated. I fumble around the area he said was close to the huts and curse myself for a lack of foresight. 

In desperation I press on the watch over and over and then, in anger I yell, "Light!" and the tiniest flame appears in front of me, just enough to illuminate my immediate space. I laugh, delighted. I look at the watch. Eighteen hours. I press the wall in several places until a section finally gives way and I'm sucked into a chute and up to the surface.