Saku no Akumu ( Pastel Nightmare )

lana ; seventeen

  ╳ S E V E N T E E N ╳  

It was odd, watching something like a movie after what they just did.

It was like they were trying to return back to the way things should be, escaping the evident situation they'd placed themselves in. Lana thought maybe it would erase the previous happenings in the room, clear it of sin. But the comedy they'd picked didn't have any of them laughing. They just solemnly stared at the screen, expressions bordering on dead.

She heard someone sigh, but didn't look up to see who. She was much to lost in the attempt at normalcy that she wished for. It was almost obvious that it wasn't going to work, that she'd never go back to the way things were. Her nails dug into her skin as she gnawed on her bottom lip. Her eyes dried out as she continues to stare, long after the movie has ended.

Brie had left, though Lana hadn't noticed. Maybe it was the tap on her shoulder that had signified her departure, because she doesn't remember hearing the door close. All she remembered was trying hard to be somewhere else. Her knees screamed at her as she stood up finally. Her entire body ached from having been pressed in so close. She'd used herself as an anchor, and maybe that wasn't the greatest of ideas. Her legs felt like they'd been clawed at and ripped into, likely from her constant nail digging and fingers curling into flesh.

The movie had last an hour but she felt like she'd been transported to some alternate universe. Time didn't seem to matter the same way it had before, though the darkness of the night crept into the room. She still hadn't bothered to turn the lights on, though she stood and pondered what to do. A cough sounded to her right and her gaze flitted over to Olivia. The dark haired girl sat primly on the couch, small fist pressed against her lips and her own eyes directed away from Lana.

Of all the people to have stayed, it had to have been Olivia. It was pathetic that the girl was still here. She sighed, closing her eyes. They watered instantly, moisturizing them after she had spent hours with them open. Her mouth also felt dry, her tongue stuck to the roof of her mouth. Lana didn't acknowledge the girl as she went to the kitchen to grab a glass of water. Her attention zoned in on the water flowing from the tap, mesmerized by it.

For whatever reason, she couldn't bring herself to think about it. She could feel it there in the back of her mind just as she could feel Olivia glaring at the back of her head. She fiddled with the drawstring of her hoodie with her free hand. The same hands that controlled the life of someone else. She didn't want to think about all that weight on her shoulders. Because it wasn't just her life on the line, she knew. It wasn't something she could easily get over.

How anyone could was beyond her. These were actual lives they toyed with. Richard made it clear that she could be one of them and that anyone who got in their way would be cut down. If Alexander had been too smart, she hoped she stayed stupid. Because that's what she thought she was: stupid. Stupid for having gone through with it. He had warned her not to play, allowed her that one last out. But she hadn't taken it, all because she wanted to seem like something she was not.

A wry smile twisted her cracked lips upward. She was well versed in being something else, but even then, she'd cracked. The game had shattered the façade she'd set up so delicately. That boredom she thought she could hide behind had been her main antagonist and she knew where she got it from. The same people she worried about, against her better judgement, had been behind it all. So, in a sense, she could blame her parents.

Weren't all parents the reason behind teenage rebellion? Weren't they all the reason why kids turned out so screwed up or got themselves screwed over? They had to learn it from somewhere or have something to go against. But shifting the blame wasn't going to solve this. And just like that, her smile was gone and her chest constricted. Regardless of whoever had been the instigation, Lana had been the one to see it through. That was not something she could blame anyone else for.