fat [EDITED]

VII

"To those who's house doesn't feel like a home."

-Zee

-

he smells like lavender,
and his hair gives a slight hint,
of vanilla.

it's not such a masculine smell,
but more of a motherly smell,
where you could melt in their arms,
and feel safe.

the thing about feeling safe,
when everyone has hurt you,
is that it never really lasts.

"Come on,"
he sticks his hand out,
i stare at it,
scared.

me forgetting about you,
has not made me
forget the pain
you've done.

"i won't hurt you."
i know he won't,
but i'm replaying
every time someone has said that,
and how they lied.

i won't hurt you.

"Okay."
i take his hand,
despite every inch of my body,
screaming at me.

he leads me downstairs,
where a women stands,
hands on her hips,
a cigarette in her lips.

"Erok," she says,
in a dangerously low voice,
and i flinch,
she glances at me.

"This is Ruby." Erok says,
and he stands his ground,
staring her in the eye.

wolves, I think.
they are wolves.

they protect their own,
hunt only when needed,
wolves.

"Tell me next time you have friends over."
she sighs,
and i notice their similarities.

both auburn hair,
hers' more curly,
and her eyes a scary brown.

i squeak out an apology,
and she smiles,
and suddenly her eyes aren't scary.

"Have you ever eaten cheese soup?" she asks,
i shake my head,
Erok grins.

i sit down next to her at the table,
ten minutes later,
i'm eating a second bowl,
of cheese soup.

Erok is on his fourth,
and the lady, her name is Jude,
is on her seventh.

Jude is Eroks' babysitter,
his parents are on trips a lot,
so they're really close.

she doesn't seem to mind me,
nor does she ask any questions,
i'm grateful for the random conversation.

for desert she's made banana bread,
i moan when i taste it,
Eroks' ears go red,
Jude wiggles her eyebrows.

for once i felt--
i felt...

i felt like i was in a family.

-

i go home,
hesitantly,
slowly.

when i walk in,
mom's gone again,
and i want to cry.

she's always gone,
sleeping at a boyfriends house,
she's always gone.

and i
am
always
alone.

-