i hate u, i love u

8

Today's August 28th. It's barely 7 am and I'm sitting in an almost empty Starbucks, on my third treinta coffee. I'm drinking it how Regina used to drink it. Black with cinnamon mixed in. Today's the day I'm meeting my birth parents. Somehow, they found me and want to meet me. I didn't tell Regina. I didn't even really want to agree but I figure it's worth it to see what shitty excuse they give me for why they "couldn't" keep me. Maybe they just won't show up. We're not meeting until 10 but I couldn't sleep any longer, so I came early. And when I say I couldn't sleep any longer, what I mean is I couldn't stare at the ceiling of mine and Regina's room any longer. I didn't sleep at all last night. I spent most of the night worrying about this morning and when I wasn't thinking of that, I was worrying about the baby being born and growing up, finding out about me and then hating me. Because let's be honest here. I'm a freak. My first foster family found out about me when I started developing as a little girl. With a penis. So they took me to the doctor and the doctor informed them that I was born as an intersex baby. My birth parents left me on the side of the road. 2 hours after I was born. The adoption agency knew I was intersex but they put me in the files as a boy so I "would be more lovable". My files said Emmett Swan. I was left in a blanket that said Emma. My birth parents were expecting a girl. So, my first foster family, from there on, raised me as Emma. That's who Regina sometimes has to remind me I am. When I turned 6 I was put back in the system because my foster mom got pregnant. So then I was bounced around from house to house. But I never had a home. Whenever a new "family" found out I was intersex, they would tell me I was a freak and I'd be sent back as soon as possible. Some families weren't that kind. They would abuse me and tell me I'd always be unloved for "what" I am. Then a teacher at school or my case worker would find out I was being abused and I'd be taken out of that house, only to be sent on to another. That all stopped when I was adopted by, who I knew as mom the whole time I was with her, Ingrid Fisher. She knew I was intersex but she loved me anyways. She adopted me when I was 13. She really was like my mom. She helped me whenever I needed it. And she didn't have any family either. So we were our own little family of 2. She had a shitload of friends though. Anyways, from the age of 10, I was depressed. I never got the help I needed because I hid it from everyone. When I graduated college, I got "better". I got happier. So I told myself I was fine and that's when I started YouTube. I was 19. It was the same year Ingrid died. I graduated college early because I've always been smart as hell. Ingrid left everything to me when she died. So I lived in her house and kept driving her car. That's what she wanted. Graham's currently living in Florida (in my house) with his boyfriend Jeffrey and mine and Regina's dog Boe. He's not living with us right now because... well I don't know. But back to the topic of depression. It's back. And it's getting worse. And I'm getting to the point where I don't know what to do anymore. Regina's noticing I've "changed". Fans are noticing. Henry even noticed. I'm constantly dealing with these voices in my head, screaming at me that I'm a freak. That I'm not good enough for a family. That I'm worthless. That I'm unloved. Etc. and I'm having nightmares of the really bad foster homes again. I'll be woken up in the middle of the night by Regina, tears coating my cheeks and memories of what was happening filling my head. Those aren't even the worst. The worst are the nightmares of Regina and Henry growing to despise me. Those are nights I don't go back to sleep. I'll lay awake, Regina holding me tight, but still too terrified of my own mind to go back to sleep. I was brought out of my thoughts by someone saying my name. I looked up to see a petite brunette woman and a semi-tall man with light brown, slightly greying, hair. My heart plummeted to the pit of my stomach. Fuck. This is it. "Hi..." I said softly. The woman smiled at me as they slid into the side opposite of me in my booth. "We're David and Mary Margret Nolan. We're your parents." The man said with a smile. I scoffed. "My only parent was Ingrid Fisher and she died almost 6 years ago. You're my birth parents. Not my parents." I said and the woman sighed. "So you were put with someone good then?" She asked, hope in her eyes. I gave a humorless laugh and her hope disappeared. "Yeah. When I was 13. The houses before that sucked. But I don't want your pity. I don't want shit from you except for an explanation." I said almost angrily. They frowned and looked at each other. "We were young and didn't know how to raise a baby like you. We knew you'd have a lot of health problems and we wouldn't be able to help you." Mary Margret started. "Well I didn't. I grew up healthily. As a girl." I spit, crossing my arms. She nodded. "And we assume you had surgery to remove... it." She finished, raising an eyebrow. I laughed. I actually laughed. "No. I'm comfortable with myself. Now if you're done explaining, I'll be on my way." I said and started to move. "Emma... We thought meeting us would make you happy. We're your family." David said, causing my anger to skyrocket. "I was happy without you. You are most certainly NOT my family. My family includes me, a beautiful woman carrying my baby and her 3 year old son. You are not my family and you never will be. We're done here. Delete my phone number." I said as I stood up, storming out of the Starbucks to go home. David called out "we wanted a girl!" As I left and that's what caused my tears. Of course no one wants me.

Nobody thinks what I think,
Nobody dreams when they blink
Think things on the brink of blasphemy
I'm my own shrink
Think things are after me, my catastrophe
At my kitchen sink,
You don't know what that means
Because a kitchen sink to you
Is not a kitchen sink to me, OK friend?
Are you searching for purpose?
Then write something, yeah it might be worthless
Then paint something then, it might be wordless
Pointless curses, nonsense verses
You'll see purpose start to surface
No one else is dealing with your demons
Meaning maybe defeating them
Could be the beginning of your meaning, friend.

Go away
Go away
Go away
Go away
Leave me alone
Leave me alone
Leave me alone
Leave me alone
Leave me alone
Leave me alone
Leave me alone

Nobody thinks what you think, no one
Empathy might be on the brink of extinction
They will play a game and say
They know what you're going through
And I tried to come up with an artistic way to say
They don't know you, and neither do I
So here's a prime example of a stand up guy
Who hates what he believes and loves it at the same time
Here's my brother and his head's screwed up
But that's alright.

Time gains momentum the moment when I'm living in 'em
I'm winning a momentary sinning a moment passing after
A re-beginning moments mending memories
Pretending enemies are frenemies, sending me straight to bending me
My bad behaviour but I bet I could have been a better man
Copy and paste caught me, and copy, better rhymes bother me
The better the rhythm the badder I am but I bet I'll battle with 'em battle
Better I am, gambling man, better bet I am a gambling man, I am?

Go away
Go away
Go away
Go away
Leave me alone
Leave me alone
Leave me alone
Leave me alone
Leave me alone

Leave me alone
Don't leave me alone.
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