It's good to see people cry (ERERI FANFICTION)

4: Work Issues

The sun is irritatingly bright for a winter's day. The air is crisp and nipping at my bare skin. It is a mixture of cold and warm, something similar to how my beating organ felt. It's now been almost two weeks since I left that place of total devastation, and I like to think that I am getting better. I haven't had much thoughts of the man who broke my heart in millions, but occasionally he does cross my mind. Every time he does, I always end up frowning and spacing out, with the ache in my caged chest and the everlasting sting that follows. 

"Jaeger! Hurry up and serve table 10!" My manager shouts from behind the barista machine. He places two cups of coffee, one a tall skinny latte and the other a caramel macchiato, onto a silver tray and slides it over to where I lean against the bench with my head down looking like an emo god.

My boss sighs when I don't make a move for the tray of freshly brewed coffee.
"Come on Eren, I know you're a lousy worker but you're never this lousy. What's got you all down in the dumps?" he asks, removing himself from the barista and getting another worker to take over, Christa Lenz, a young bright girl with golden blonde hair, and some would actually describe her as a goddess.

"Doesn't matter," I brush off, picking myself up and lifting the tray into my hands before strolling over to the table to deliver the drinks. The place I work at is a small café, named 'Wall Barista'. It sounds kind of odd, but it's nice and homey. The walls are cream and it has booths looking like the late 80's. It's quite a looker. I admire this place. Levi and I used to come here all the time before I got hired to work here. It was our favourite place to go. Now it's just a terrible reminder of all those times I was a fool.

I can feel my boss' eyes on me as I walk over, slouching and holding the tray in a way that might make it seem as if I was drunk. Honestly, maybe I am. On an empty feeling that has become quite normal for me. It's like a stray cat that has warmed up to me, and I to it, except it's a feeling that's been around me so long that I hardly even feel as if I'm sad anymore. It just feels normal.

"Here's your drinks," I say dully to the lovely couple sitting opposite each other. A young girl, fifteen years old, dating a man slightly older. Eighteen perhaps.
"Tch, you two won't last," I scoff walking off back behind the counter. I can sense their shocked faces. What is wrong with me? They don't deserve any of that. I'm just taking out my feelings on them. For all I know, they could easily make it work. They most likely won't end up how I and Levi did.

"What the hell was that?!" Ymir scolds me from behind the cash register. Her features are dragged down to show how annoyed she is. She doesn't like working here, and maybe it's because of the lack of effort I put in. "Haven't you heard of customer service?!"
"Shut up." I say in a bored tone. She eyes me in somewhat surprise, then curls her lip in a growl before taking the cash and tips from the customers that have come to pay.

"Eren, what is wrong with you? You usually have the best customer service out of all of us." Christa asks worriedly. She leaves her post at the barista and wanders over to me, leaning against the bench like how I am.
"Nothing..." I lie. Christa sees right through me, as always. She places a comforting hand on my shoulder, earning an eyebrow raise from Ymir. Someone's protective...

"Come on Eren, you can tell me. Everything will be okay." She smiles reassuringly, and something about that smile of hers makes me spill my guts out. Metaphorically of course. I tell her everything. Everything that I have been feeling, thinking, and everything that happened between Levi and me, from the day I walked out to the occurrence in the shops. It's only after I was done that I realise tears were staining my face.

"Eren..." Christa says with an apologetic look. She pities me. She feels sorry for me. She wants it to work out like her and Ymir, but somehow, this aching jab in my stomach makes me think that Levi and I won't get back together.

"I'm sorry to hear that, kid." Ymir sighs. Christa disappears for a while and returns with a box of tissues.
"No wonder you're so depressed," she says handing a tissue to me. I take it, but without a thank you.
"I'm not depressed." I say firmly. "I'm fine. Perfectly fine. Never better."
I'm lying through my teeth, and they all know that. They know that deep down, I was in an intolerable amount of emotional pain. Why can't I get over him?

The rest of the day goes on slowly, and I find myself getting even worse. Telling everything to someone is meant to make you feel like you've taken a load off, like the weight has been lifted from your shoulders. In this case, unfortunately, I don't feel better, but in fact, more down in the dumps then before.

I decide to skip dinner, much to Mikasa's distaste. I apologise to her, but I don't feel hungry. I can't eat if I want to. Not tonight. Too much is making my stomach stir. I miss the butterfly feeling in my tummy. The one that felt sickening, but in a good way. This feeling, is anything but the sort. This one is a sick swirl that feels as if I swallowed something poisonous and it's melting my insides into a puddle of gloop. The painful aching sort. The one that most tend to not recover from.

"I miss him," I cry into my pillow, feeling hot trails of salty dew drops on my burning cheeks. Red from stress, red from crying, red from utter loss. I hug my pillow tightly whilst more warm streams slide down my face. Twisted in sadness. A hole in my heart. A missing place in my chest. A sinking feeling, like I'm slowly being devoured by quicksand. ­"I miss him so much."
Stop. Stop thinking. Erase these thoughts.
"I want him back."
Stop! You're crying!
"Why doesn't he love me?"

***

Week unknown. I haven't been counting the days. I've lost track of time. What day is it today? I'm not sure. My phone has missed calls from who knows. I haven't been answering anyone's calls. No one's texts, no one's voice mails. I deactivated Facebook, deleted twitter. I have no connections to social media whatsoever. Do I feel happy about that? Of course not. I feel sick. In the mirror I look like a mess. Eyes are redder than mars, and my hair is always a damn mess. I can't seem to focus anymore. My job has been jeopardized, I'm on sick leave, which really I should be fired. I guess they all feel sorry for me, but I don't need sympathy! What I need is-

No. I can't. I can't say it. I want to say it. I want to move on. I want to leave everything behind and start anew, but my mind won't let me forget all those precious memories, nor will my heart allow me to stop feeling for the raven haired man.

"Eren! This is the last straw!" Mikasa shouts through the walls. The house trembles at her loud voice. Her vocal sound echoes to every nook in cranny in the quiet house. What did I do this time? Did I leave my laundry out on the ground again? Did I forget to eat? I can't remember. "Eren! Pick up your damn phone!" Mikasa scolds once she enters my room.

"Why?" I ask her. She stars at me sceptically. Almost as if contemplating whether or not I am still alive. I am. I am alive. But my insides are as dead as the underworld.
"Eren, I don't care how depressed you are-"
"I'm not depressed." I deadpan.
"Yes. You are." She groans. Her voice becomes deeper and darker, trying to get through to my head that it was irritating her. My lack of happiness, the lack of time I spend with my friends. Lack of everything. "And it's because of that damn shorty-midget-thing that you call a human being. Look, you need to get over yourself. He doesn't love you. Either grow up, or I'll make you grow up." Mikasa comes and sits down beside me and takes my hand in hers, giving it a comforting squeeze.
"I know you're hurting, Eren, but everyone else is hurting because you are. Don't make us all worry about you. Come on, how about we go get you some new clothes, give your hair a bit of a brush, and get you all looking good, yeah?"

"I don't know..." I sigh. Apparently I don't have a choice. Mikasa lifts me up bridal style and puts on my shoes for me. She makes me stand up, and she drives around to a spa place. She probably thinks that I will feel better after that. I'll admit, it does make me feel a little more at peace. The warmth, the bubbles, the steam. My muscles relax and I feel less tense. However, I still want Levi. I have a feeling I'll always want Levi. I won't be satisfied until I get him back. That's an unlikely conclusion.