To the child I'll never hold

Day 2

To my child who I'll never get to hold,

  When we found out we were pregnant, we were in disbelief. I never thought I'd be able to have a child of my own, but holding the third straight pregnancy test in my hand - that clearly stated I was pregnant - my whole world changed. It started with fear, and severe doubt. How could this be happening now? After all these years of nothing? Once I told Kaleb (your Daddy), we couldn't wait to get to the doctor to confirm what the plastic strips kept telling us. A week later - I heard your heartbeat for the first time. I got to see you. You were the size of a blueberry and already you were the most beautiful thing I had ever laid my eyes on. The disbelief had been shattered. It was really true. You were there in black and white and we were going to have a baby.

   A few weeks later, I heard your heartbeat for the second time. Up until then I hadn't truly let myself get excited. I'd harbored the mentality that if I let myself get too excited too soon, you'd be taken from me. But after that second ultrasound, I started to let the joy trickle in. I started singing to you every day. I started online window shopping for your nursery items, for your clothes. I stared researching pregnancy and what to expect. In my newfound excitement I even made a baby registry on Amazon (though it was really more of a "what I absolutely need reminder list").

  Things were going great. Kaleb and I told the world with pride. We were both so happy that you were on your way, and that you were healthy. People always say that a person glows when they are pregnant - but daddy's glow too. Yours was soooo excited to meet you and so proud that you were on your way. I wish you could have seen him. We were beaming with happiness.

   Then it happened. Your daddy left for work, and since I work the nightshift, I was going to bed shortly after he left at 4:30am for work. Little did I know that I would find blood when I went to the bathroom. I had no idea anything was wrong previous to that moment. I was at home all alone. I was terrified. Instantly, I called your Daddy and he told me to go to the ER and he would meet me there soon. I, of course, threw on the first thing I got my hands on and practically ran to the car in a panic.

   In my mind, a million thoughts and fears flooded in. We only lived minutes from the hospital, but that car ride felt like it took hours. Maybe I was overreacting. Maybe everything was ok. After all, this was my first time being pregnant and first time moms freak out over the littlest things, right? Surely that was the case.

  It wasn't long before I was placed in a room to await an ultrasound and your Daddy made it to the hospital. We sat there waiting for (what felt like an eternity) the ultrasound tech to come do the test. I am not a person who prays often, but let me tell you - I prayed harder than I ever have in my life for you that hour. The test done, we waited for the doctor. We were so worried about you.

   After a few minutes, the doctor came and told us words that sent a wave of pain though your Daddy and I that we will never forget. "I wish I had better news, but there is no cardiac activity present. I'm so sorry". It was 7:30 am on 9/16/16 when my entire world went numb. The pain I felt was physical, like lightning striking my heart. I wanted to scream, I wanted to run, I wanted to take your place. I would have given anything to take your place. Neither of us could stop crying. It wasn't long until your grandparents made it to the hospital. I watched in a state of shock as they processed the news. They love you so much. We all do.

  I never stopped crying. Not really. I still haven't. I don't know when or if I will ever stop crying. Shortly after that, I was wheeled off to surgery. Your Daddy and grandparents were now having to worry about me as well. I can only imagine how that felt for them.

   After the surgery, to my utter disappointment, I didn't magically awake from a nightmare. You are still gone. I am still empty. I am numb. I am furious. I am ANGRY. And I am more heartbroken than I even knew was possible. I am so sorry that I wasn't able to protect you. We are all finding ways to blame ourselves for your death. I keep trying to figure out what went wrong, what I could have done differently. Deep down, I know it's no ones fault and that it was just your time. As hard as that is to accept right now, I hope one day I can accept that and that you can forgive me. I wanted to be your Momma so bad.

   I am sad that I will never get to hold you, never get to do all of the million things I wanted to do with you. But know this above all - I love you. God, do I love you. And I just hope that wherever you are - that you are happy and healthy and safe. Never forget. We love you. Always.

- Mom