Killafornia

XIII.

Killafornia

The mood between us wasn't tense or awkward, it was comfortable and he looked like he had something on his mind that he wanted to say. He adjusted his hoodie so the collar wasn't pressing up against his neck. I sat here with my hands below the table, twiddling my thumbs till a chill rippled through me due to the AC now being turned on and we were right below one of the large circular vents. I wish Chastity had brought me a jacket or something because this long sleeve dress isn't doing much. 

"Are you okay?" He asked referring to the cold chill and I nodded my head. "You sure? I'll let you have my hoodie." He said sitting back and preparing to take off the hoodie. 

"I'm fine, if I get too cold I'll let you know." I said and he gave a nod, pulling it back down and resting his arms back on the table like they were originally were. 

"Aight, well I wanna start off with apologizing for makin' you upset yesterday. Got a lot on my plate and seein' you act like how you did brought me back to how you were actin' when you were poppin' pills, it just put me over the top." He said sincerely as he reached his hand across the table to hold onto mine. "In no way is my plate bein' full an excuse, I take full blame for reactin' like I did but I didn't think it was gonna lead you to being that upset and leavin'." He continued to say in a softer tone and his apology really was genuine, there was no hesitations with it or long pauses between his words. The woman came back to our booth with our drinks, setting them down in front of us she looked at CJ a little confused and even did a double take but still said her hello to him. 

"Do you need more time to decide what you want to order or are y'all set?" She couldn't keep her eye contact with CJ without trying to conceal the nervous smile that'd break out on her face. He had since let go of my hand and she seemed to find it easier to look at me opposed to him. 

"We're going to need more time but thank you." I said and she nodded, moving along to the next table and I looked back at him; reaching for the straw and unwrapping it to put in my sprite. "If you weren't so intimidating I bet she wouldn't have been nervous." I teased lightheartedly as I took a sip of the bubble drink, which got him to crack that smile I adored. "And I accept your apology but it wasn't necessarily your words that made me so upset that I ended up going for such a long walk." 

"Well get to explainin'." He said just as he was getting up and walked around to my side. I scooted over for him and he slid into the booth right next to me. "You've got my full attention and I won't interrupt." 

"Lately I've just not really been myself. I could be happy in the morning and then suddenly just get really upset because something didn't go as planned for example. Just seesawing through moods and overall been more on the sensitive side." I began, exhaling deeply as I gathered more of my words. "Yesterday morning I woke up without you there so I was lonely and called up Chastity. We talked and soon as I got off the phone I had a feeling that someone was watching me. That's why I closed up everything and kept the house the way it was. When I was looking out the window, I ran through some thoughts, then you did what you did and my emotions got the best of me. You left the room and I went to the bathroom to go blow my nose and I realized I was about to go on my second month without a period and my heart just dropped down to my stomach." I said and instinctively he wrapped an arm securely around me, pulling me closer to his side. 

"Alright, keep going." 

"I was in shock; I was overwhelmed. I'd been late before every now and again but never two consecutive months. I just stared at myself in the mirror in silent horror as I was freaking out on the inside. So I took off to go for a walk to go to the store to get a test but I ended up running into Jordan and he was concerned about me so I went back to his apartment and stayed there." I originally didn't want to tell CJ a single thing because I feared of his reaction and I didn't want to add on more stress or make him concerned. I still haven't wrapped my head around the possibility of actually being pregnant and it's a scary reality to try to come to terms with.