There's a Reason I Go to the Library & It's Not Cause I Like Reading

Chapter 12

Frankly, Phil Lester wasn't sure if his 18th birthday really counted as a birthday anymore. Had he still been alive he'd've gone out on the piss to 'Spoons with a couple of his 'friends', flashed his ID and got totally sloshed. But Phil was dead, and as far as he knew, dead people couldn't get drunk. (If they could Phil would've so gone for a couple of pints right about then.) There wasn't much Phil could do in his state. He didn't need to eat, didn't need to sleep if he didn't want to. He'd tried to see if he could still resort to his old habits, but the blades in his schoolbag were as good as blunt when he tried dragging them across his wrist. It made him feel empty. He never knew how much he'd miss people talking to him, even if it was an off-the-hand FAGGOT yelled from down the hall.

Phil still opted to spend his nights in the bus shelter in town rather than go home to the family whose hearts he broke. He took note of the way people acted from day to day. Each weeknight you had those in their late teens or early twenties walk down the street carrying their friends or trying to injure each other despite their complete inebriation. Phil found it interesting thinking about what he'd've been doing at each moment if he hadn't died. At 2.39am on the 30th of January 2005 he imagined he'd likely be asleep, or, depending on how the day had played out, maybe sneakily watching porn and getting off while his parents were asleep.

He didn't know if he was sad. It felt like being sad but there was also a certain taste left in his mouth from the feeling that didn't feel quite right. He was forgetting what it felt like to be alive faster than he forgot everything he learned in history after taking his AS-Level exam. He didn't know if what he was feeling was an emotion or just the way it felt to be a... whatever Phil was because, to be honest, he was forgetting what emotions felt like.

Phil watched as a young couple strolled down the orange-lit pavement, leaning on each other and whispering adorations only their partner was close enough to hear. He felt sonder as he saw them pass. Their lives would carry on blissfully unaware of Phil's existence, they'd continue on their paths into the night together and eventually head back to their families and fall asleep in a warm soft bed feeling loved. Phil felt what he could only describe as pseudo-disappointment watching them pass slowly by (he'd decided by now that he wasn't capable of emotion anymore).

He followed them as the walked through town and listened in to their exchange.

"...so then she was all like 'Stella you're a fucking bitch' to me and I just couldn't deal with that so I left," the girl whispered.

"Don't worry, baby, Britney's just being a mardy arsehole cause I love you instead of her," the boy replied, gently pecking the lips of his girlfriend.

"Ugh, babe, I'm really fucking cold all of a sudden, can I borrow your coat?" she whined, nuzzling into the boy. He passed her the coat and Phil suddenly realised how cold he was, in his school tie and blazer, outside in the middle of a chilly January night. In that moment it dawned on him that he'd be stuck in this form for all eternity.