There's a Reason I Go to the Library & It's Not Cause I Like Reading

Chapter 5

If you asked Dan at the beginning of 2009 whether he enjoyed Rawtenstall any more or less than Wokingham he would have asked you if it really mattered anymore. He'd spent more time observing the boy in the library and less time actually reading his book. He'd begun to notice a pattern with him. After the cleaner left the bathrooms in the library on Mondays he'd go inside and the longest Dan timed him in there for was 25 minutes, until the bell rang and he had to leave the library. There was something strange about him that intrigued Dan in a strange way.

Maybe it was tied to the nightmares.

Dan Howell had his first nightmare when he was a toddler. He couldn't remember the dream but he remembered running out of his room to seek comfort from his parents. He'd had many nightmares since then, but none matched the intensity of the nightmare he had on the 19th of January 2009. His memory of the dream was scattered, but he remembers blood, so much blood, and a pain in his stomach so intense it felt as if someone had poured hot acid into his intestines and was tying them into tight knots. He remembered screaming and anger. Then he woke up and he was just in his room, in his soft bed in the corner, feeling no pain. But he could still hear the screaming echoing in his room, and that stopped him from sleeping the rest of the night.

The next morning he went to the library and sat next to the blue eyed boy instead of his normal place in the library. He pretended to read but just stole careful glances at him so that he didn't notice. His eyes looked empty, and he gripped the sleeves of his uniform tightly in each hand. His mouth was slightly ajar and his breathing was slightly laboured. He looked nervous, like, really fucking nervous. Suddenly he stood and took his bag and left as Dan watched, heading to the bathroom as the cleaner left it.

Dan was confused.

He had the nightmares every night for the next four days. The same dream, the same screaming as before which terrified him. He did a lot more thinking through those days than he'd ever done before. An unsettling feeling had sunk down onto him and he became tired and unsettled, the already strange feeling in his room intensifying as he felt what little connection he had between himself and the world slowly fray as he became disconnected and even lonelier than he had been before.

The internet said it was depression, but Dan didn't believe it. He couldn't be depressed, he still wanted to live, he wasn't self-harming or anything that depressed people did. Not yet anyway he added in his mind. He shut his laptop and fell back on the bed. Strange things were happening to Dan that he couldn't explain, but he needed to push those things to the back of his mind and focus on his weekend job and his qualifications, the real world didn't allow for silly things such as strange boys in libraries to get in the way of getting money and having a family like everyone was supposed to.

Dan didn't have the nightmares that night.