Another weekend. Another day with a depression that I am trying to conquer.
Do not worry i do not plan to put an end to this body. I want to live but sometimes it's so hard to compute with my life.
I broke up a few months ago from a relatioship that lasted 1 year and half, the longest and the most built up that i had until now. I still think about him. I would be an idiot not to do it. I love him, even if he did wrong by me.
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I miss the days when happy was a word to describe my feelings. But I am not a kid anymore and there are obligations that the community just put them on my shoulders. Money are the ones that make the rules and to have something, you need to make money. Have you ever wondered how life and the world would have been without money? I did too and my brain's answer was: "Thank you ancestors that you discovered trading"
If you do not agree with me then this is not a book for you to read. I am writing my story, my opinions, my frustrations, my joys. My fucked up brain.
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Hello life and to people that are peeing right close to me. To give you a visual aspect i am at the train station. Crossing the lines there is a closed metal / wood bridge. And i took the liberty of sitting at the bottom of the stairs in the area less populated. A bunch of kids followed by a teenager went on the closed bridge to do ... i do not know what and not planing on finding out. But the teen stopped on the stairs and took his cock out to pee. No worries i haven't seen it, he was having his back at me.
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I think a relationship is built. I do not believe in love at first sight. But i believe in the chemistry that two persons can have when they first meet. If you decide to continue to live with that person then you are building a relationship.
The rest of the evening i spent it with some pals, way younger than me, but it helped the time to pass. I hate to be alone, even though i still live with my parents.
I miss my friends, the old times when we where out late playing games and drinking beer in parks and on the stairs of old buildings.
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There is a lot happening inside my head. And there are lots of things i have done in still my 27 years. I do not remember all of them. But if i go back in the past i can write a novel . Not that my life is interesting to read but i don't care about what you think. Not at this point anyway.
So if you encounter mistakes in writing or speech again i do not care i know i did my best.
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Today, just to mention i was doing some cleaning in my room, listening to music, then depression kicked in. I started crying. My eyes became all teary. Then flashbacks of him came through my mind. Usually we spent weekends together at my place watching movies, kissing, hugging, loving. I was happy he was with me there wile i was thinking that he loved me and I loved him. Now i am still watching movies. Not alone. Always someone different each weekend/ day. But not with love involved. I am still patching my heart.
Even if we broke two months ago, i haven't seen him for 4 months, after his birthday when he acted as the most cold person ever. A break he wanted to figure out his life. I understood him for 1 month, 2, then as a desperate measure, thinking that maybe if i pushed him a bit he might come to a resolution.
I waited. He didn't. Now i want him back and it's not going to happen because i guess he has plans that do not involve me but someone else. It kills my heart, it's fucking my brain knowing that he is moving on while i am still crying.
I used to be tough. I always said that i will not love a person so soon. And after i put my heart on the plate a knife started slicing it.
I still do not know if i made mistakes, If the breakup was me, even though he told me that i did nothing wrong that i was kind and patience, haven't we all heard the breakup replica: "it's not you, it's me"
I know it will take sometime for me to move on. I know i will. But until then.
Oh my brain...
