Some call it love [NaNoWriMo13]

18 - Some call it love

Damn pride. It was the only thing stopping me from going over to the table and putting my things down, just like I used to when the four of us were closer than ever, and never to be separated. 

I was too proud to go over and apologise to Connor for kissing or letting Derek kiss me. I was too proud to let my defenses back down, and admit to myself I needed the both of them back in my life, whether I like it or not. I was too proud to let Kelly Morgan know that she was successful in proving that she could very easily take away the best things that happen in my life. 

And because of pride, I could only settle for watching them from where I was jealously, wishing that they would be the ones who would come over to me. I knew it was wishful thinking to hope that they would do something like that for me, but I still couldn't help but to wish that they would. 

Honestly, I was tired of building up walls around myself to protect myself. I might have been tired of putting my heart out for everyone to take and destroy to their heart's content, but I missed the company of a friend. A physical interaction with someone, much rather than imagining them talking to me, and talking back, having a conversation that was never going to happen. 

But I was too damned proud to tear them down, and tear my own pride down and go over to sit with them. The best thing I could do was to watch them joke around, and laugh carelessly at something somebody had said. 

I could only watch as they were doing the things I was meant to be doing with them - but without me. Without the ginger girl which many people despised. Without me, the one who kept them in check most of the time, whenever their testosterone levels were too high. 

I guess they didn't really need me. 

I let out a defeated sigh again. I mean, who was I to think that maybe they actually did want me back in their circle of friends, and what happened at the party was a mistake. I mean, for all I know, the whole thing could have been a ploy to get me off their backs. Their way of telling me that they didn't want me, by hurting me so much that I would want nothing to do with them ever again. 

I mean what was I thinking?

I didn't realise that my gaze was wandering until I caught a pair of very familiar eyes staring back at me. Connor's intense gaze held mine, until I fully realised what I was doing. I immediately looked away, and then left the canteen entirely and headed for English class, not that it was going to be much better. 

I mean, Derek was the person sitting next to me!

I sighed, as I pressed my forehead against the cool table. 

I was the only one in the class, so no one heard me scream in frustration to the desk which had never done me any wrong. I felt bad for it, so I muttered it an apology. But that did little to prevent the deep-set frustration that seemed to be caged up inside of me. I mean, all I really wanted to do was to get my friends back, and then try to pretend the things that had happened had never really happened. And then maybe talk things through with mum. 

But the last option wasn't too urgent for me. 

Soon, the rest of the class started to stream in. I groaned, realising that Derek was supposed to sit with me. 

Speak of the devil, I couldn't help but think that as he sat himself down next to me wordlessly. I found it pretty amusing how it had been only, what? Three days since I had talked to him and I was already finding myself missing him. I sighed. I was turning bipolar. 

I mean, Friday I came home hating everything to do with the boys. Saturday I was too sick to think. Sunday I could hardly think. Monday I went back to hating everyone. And today, all I wanted to do was go ang hug them. Maybe my period was coming soon. I had to be sure to check.