After You... (1st Draft)

Chapter 6 - Free

My eyes met his and I immediately looked away, that didn't help me, I was in conflict between the betrayal of my stupid feelings and the staunchness of my resolute head. The very same division between my sense and the foolishness stored in my heart. Before I knew it, my head was catching up with me, reminding me, making me what I felt I needed to be. I wouldn't give into the weakness of my heart. It would only fail me right now. Then finally I said it. "I want you to."

That wasn't what he wanted to hear. Obviously. His face tensed. He deliberated for what felt like some very long seconds. "Why?"

I threw my hands up and spun away from him, I didn't want to say why.

"Bree..."

"Just leave it."

"Bree, why?"

"Because I can't!" I blurted out facing him now. "I can't! Okay? So you have to do it! So fucking do it!" My feelings completely overwhelmed me. Completely. I'd lashed out my truth with such ferocity it stunned even me and clearly him too. But I was honest, I was speaking from a place where I was completely uncensored, from way down inside me, un-caged, wide open and completely unguarded. I had to be honest with both him and myself. If he let go, it would force me to do the same. Well, that was my logic...

He waited for me to come down from that. I'd only just managed it before he said, "Half the time you say things but it's like you have to say that. I feel like you're only saying it because you think it's what you should say. Because anything else would make you look weak. You feel as though you have to."

"What I want and what I have to do are two different things." I told him.

"You think there's any hope in that?"

"Not for you." I told him.

He took in an audible breath and his eyes wandered over a near table as he seemed to accept it with a slight nod. He didn't want to accept it though, that much was obvious through every word and every look he'd given me. He couldn't hide any of it.

But I mustered even more of myself, carrying on with the roll I was on. "I need you to keep your word and walk, Darius. Because...for the first time tonight, the first time in a long time, something happened..."

He looked up at me, waiting on my words.

"I met someone tonight."

His throat moved, he swallowed.

"Someone I found myself really attracted to. It took me by complete surprise...and we got talking and..."

"Who is it?"

"He was the first guy in a long time to make me smile the way he did. The first to make me feel that awkward first encounter feeling of butterflies, attraction... The first since...you. He...he asked me out and I was all—"

"Who?"

"—thinking about you." I finished. I didn't know what his reaction to what I just said was because I looked away, I thought it would be too much for me to witness. I heard his sigh though but focused on the nearest candle, the nearest lantern, the nearest table, anywhere but at him. "If there was a pill I could take to forget you I think I'd take it." I told him. "But if I forget you ever existed I'd learn no lessons from it. At least I'd spare myself the ongoing pain though."

"I don't know how I'm gonna make up for all that."

"You can't."

"You think I screwed you over?"

"More than you'll ever know." I admitted.

His gaze examined mine. When he held my gaze I knew he could see right into me then.