Better Than Revenge [Unedited - 2012 Version]

Chapter Twenty-Six

“I can list many, many things you aren’t good at, but what are you referring to this time?”

His lips twitched upward and he couldn’t help but smile. We hadn’t been talking lately, really, and apparently he missed my sly insults. 

What a freak. 

What kind of person liked being insulted? He needed help. No, he needed to get his brain checked. There was something wrong up there, clearly. 

“My lack of skills when it comes to apologizing,” he cleared up. 

This took me by surprise. Just the word ‘apology’ in itself. I had been kind of hoping for an apology, but I had never gotten one. Not a formal one, at least. He might have said it when I blurted out the story, but I didn’t really count it.

I realized he was waiting for my response. I snapped out of my thoughts and said, “Go ahead, I guess.” 

He nodded shortly. “Sophia… I’m so sorry. I know that saying sorry doesn’t make up for what I did back then, like, at all. They’re just words. My actions back then were horrible. I really don’t think there’s anything I could do to make up for it. I’m still going to try and I probably won’t ever stop trying, but I know it’s kind of impossible.”

I didn’t say anything. I just listened. 

“I was a complete dumbass back then. Really. I guess since I was the popular, hot jock, I thought I was above everyone else. Popularity does that to you. High school does that to you, I guess. You know, maybe that’s why you’re such a good person. You weren’t like me. You didn’t let high school ruin you. You’re better than me in every way actually…” 

I didn’t like where this was going. It was making it hard for me to keep that bubble of hatred I felt for him intact. 

“I can’t believe I was ever capable of doing what I did. I hate thinking about it, because… egh. Just… just the thought of hurting you like that… God, I don’t know what you’re doing to me, Soph… even thinking of what I did to you hurts… and I know it shouldn’t because I was the one who hurt you, but I’m seriously so far fucking gone, it hurts…” 

I wanted to avert my eyes, but I couldn’t. My eyes were locked. Was I hearing correctly? Was this actually happening? 

I was having too many of these strange moments that made me believe I was in some other dimension or something… this was getting weird. 

“What I did to you was completely unforgivable… I hate myself for what I did. I just… I fucking hate myself. I was a fucking moron back then.” He shook his head angrily. “I don’t deserve you, Soph. I know I don’t. But I honestly want you so bad that I’d be selfish enough to overlook that. I’m whipped… shit… and I know this isn’t even in the question and that I’d be lucky to just get your forgiveness… I don’t deserve that either. I don’t deserve anything. Maybe a few kicks in the balls, but that’s it.” 

I couldn’t help but laugh a little. It was true. He did deserve that… 

He looked at me warily, afraid he’d given me an idea before continuing. “I just needed you to hear my apology, at least, even if you don’t accept it.”

I didn’t know what to think. I wanted to believe that he wasn’t lying, because this apology was actually a really good one. And it felt real. But I didn’t know if I could believe in him. 

I got an idea all of a sudden. I had always been good at telling when people were lying. Why wouldn’t I be able to figure it out now? 

The answer was that there was absolutely no reason.