Can't Fight This Feeling (larcel)

Chapter 14

I wake up to a slap in the face. I open my eyes slowly and it's Louis. Wait what? He's crying and some of his tears fall onto my forehead while he leans over me.

"God damnit, Marcel." I hear as he picks me up. I'm halfway conscious and I'm beyond confused. He's walking to the back door and I feel like a deadweight in his arms.

"Louis?" My voice is weak.

He looks at me with a sad face but doesn't respond.

"Where've you been?" I ask as he opens the door and walks through the kitchen. He goes through the foyer and to the stairs. Up the stairs and down the hall into my room. He sets me on the bed and goes to the bathroom. When he comes back he's holding a towel, bandages and some Neosporin. He holds the towel to my arm to wipe off the extra blood and generally stop the bleeding.

He doesn't say anything. He squeezes out some of the Neosporin and rubs it on the fresh cuts.

"I just don't understand why Louis? Don't you love me?" I'm not even sure what's happening right now. I don't feel awake. Surely I passed out and I'm dreaming right? He looks down at me and sobs. He's trying to hold back and he's got his hand over his mouth but he's breaking. He's sobbing and his body is shaking and I'm just laying here watching. He won't look at me when he wraps up my arm in bandages. He drags the blanket over me and starts to walk for the door. But he turns back.

"Don't do it again." He says sadly.

"I will." I say bluntly.

"I'm not doing much better." He says.

"Being here without you is like I'm waking up to only half a blue sky. I'm half a heart without you." I quote something I saw on tumblr (A/N actually song lyrics from the new album). He looks regretfully at me and then turns and walks away. I'm too weak to even run after him. And he'd just push me away.

I'm so exhausted from bloodloss. The last thing I think before falling asleep is: did that really just happen?

•••

When I wake up everything feels normal. But then I realize Louis' gone. And I realize there's a bandage on my arm. And I realize what happened earlier. Oh my god. What happened? Did Louis really come back? What is happening? Oh my god.

I sit up. There's a text from mom on my phone.

Mom: honey I'm going to dinner with a friend tonight, I'll be home late.

It's only 9pm. At the end of my bed is a bloody towel, Neosporin and a bandage box. Wow it really happened. I reach under my mattress and pull out the cigarette box. I take one out and place it between my lips before lighting it. I inhale and exhale in relief. I reach onto my bedside table and grab my tape recorder. I burn out the cigarette and press record.

"It's me again. Something weird happened today. I think you were here. I don't know, Lou. You said you weren't doing much better. What does that mean Louis? I miss you. I think I'll always miss you. Don't leave me alone with my thoughts anymore. They're driving me insane. I still remember the sound of your voice the night you called.

John green said 'you can love someone so much but you can never love someone as much as you can miss them'. He's so right. I miss you so much. I already said that but I just....

You never really knew me, did you Louis? I don't think I really knew me either. This is what I really am, I suppose. Were you pretending this whole time? I sure hope not Louis.

Do you even miss me?

I think of you every second of every day. It's hard to breath without you. I think of you when I can't sleep and I wish you were there to hold me.

This was depressing.

I shouldn't have even recorded this.

I don't know.

I just miss you.

And I miss the old me.

And I wish you missed me too." And then I press stop. I put the recorder away. I go to the bathroom and run the lukewarm bath like always. This time I actually undress first. And I lay down in the bath. I cover my body with bubbles so I can't see. Because I don't want to remember the time when Louis commented 'wow you're bigger than I thought'. And I don't want to remember the time when his hands roamed around my body and he whispered things to me.

I grab my phone and turn on the a song Give Me Love by Ed Sheeran. I whisper the words along with the song. And it reminds me of Louis. And I don't even realize that I'm crying by the chorus. This song is screaming his name and it hurts so so bad.

"And it's been awhile but I still feel the same, maybe I should let you go." I sob. The whole song I'm sobbing. And I know I'm still able to feel. All I had to do was see him. And now I'm no longer numb. And now I wish I was.

Because this, hurts worse than ever before.

My, my, my, my, oh give me love.