Can't Fight This Feeling (larcel)

Chapter 13

I think I'm coming apart. String by string. They're pulled too tight and then they snap.

I just want Louis back.

What even happened?

All the time I was suffering, I never even really thought about what actually happened to him. Why did he leave? Maybe it was his stepdad but I don't think that makes whole sense. Where did he go? Did he leave the town?

The police had said that it was probably just a typical teenage runaway where they return within a few days. But man was it awkward when they were wrong.

I want to tell them about Joel and what he does. But I don't think the time is right. It wouldn't help anyone to know right now.

I walked up to Lily at lunch the other day. She was in a group flirting with this one jock and it wasn't like her at all. I knew her in such little time but I know this isn't her. When I got in front of the table they both looked at me.

"Hey Lily," I was desperate and lonely.

"Hi, Marcel." Her words broke away from eachother. And then I could tell she's embarrassed of me.

"I was just wondering how you're doing?" is all that I came up with. I just wanted to talk to someone. I wanted to be normal.

"Uhh good I guess." She was weirded out by me.

"Have a nice time in high school, Lilly." I said and walked away.

"God that guy is such a fucking freak." I heard the boy say.

And these days, I couldn't bring myself to correct him.

•••

There's a lot of snow on the ground from last night. It looks perfect and white.

I pull on only a sweatshirt. I know it won't be enough to keep me warm outside but I don't care. The sun is setting but moms gone for the night. She's staying late at work again, of course. I walk into the backyard which is covered with a thick layer of snow. I walk to the small mound that I usually lay on in the rain.

The brisk air is sharp on my lungs. My face has gone pale and my feet are numb. I lay down on the snowy mound. Coldness encases the opposite side of my body. I take a few breaths which puff out small white clouds. And I reach into my pocket.

I've had blades in here since the day the dam broke. I never knew where I might need then.

My finger closes around the safe side of a razor blade and I pull it out. I hold it up against the sky and it looks shiny yet dull.

"Never let a dull, lifeless piece of metal take away from your beautiful existence." The quote goes.

Louis used to call me beautiful.

Why'd you have to leave, Louis?

I take another breath and roll up the sleeve of my right arm. I lay it down against the cold snow.

"It's better to feel pain, than nothing at all." I whisper into the darkening sky.

I drag the blade across the bottom of my pale wrist. I release the breath I've been holding. I don't attempt to stop the bleeding. I watch it soak into the snow. The white gets turned red. I make three more cuts. I start to get dizzy and the red snow circle expands.

"Is this what you wanted Louis?" I whisper.

And then I black out.