Suicidal

t w o

I hate going to school every morning and pretending that I don't have feelings.
Listening to people at lunch say terrible things about me gets so tiering.

Looking over my shoulder to see a group of kids cringe at me for no god forsaken reason but just because they feel like it.

It has all gone too far.
It has gone too far years ago.

Die.

Kill yourself.

Stop crying and just do it.

Okay fine! Let's just do this and get it over with.
I walk to the bathroom with my head down.
I passed Katie, my older sister and she nudges me as I walked, that created me to bump into the wall
Please put me out of my misery already.
I felt a tear fall into my cheek and I closed the bathroom door.

I go to my drawer of things and grab my worn out box.
I'm surprised that no one has ever looked in it.
If they did they would find a collection of dirty blades and towels stained red.

I bring it to the door and slide down it, sitting on the cold tile floor.
I open the box.
The sight of the blades made my heard race and a few more tears fell.
I try to think back to a time when I was genuinely happy with myself and my life.

I shake my head.
My mind was blank.
No memories of happy days, no recognition of a girl like me being happy came to my head.

I hold the cold blade up to my warm wrist and take a deep, shaky breath.
I dug it into my skin and felt a sting.
Every time I drew a red line on my Pail skin I had a different name fun through my head.

Tears ran down my face and I shake my head.
I couldn't even see how many times I have harmed myself because my eyes were so blurry and the red lines blurred together.

I got a little light headed so I decided I should stop.
There was another idea that came to mind.
I put my blades away, and took out the stained towel.

After cleaning up and making the bathroom look normal I looked at my face.
I actually jumped when I saw my reflection.

My hair is all ratted and dirty, I have large bags under my eyes, my fingertips had lines on then from punching on the blades.
And my wrist was all torn up.

I was my face off, then roll my oversized sweatshirt sleeves down past the cuts.
I walk out of the bathroom, in an attempt to get straight to my room.

Of course Katie and her friends stopped me.
She always has her soccer team over for sleepovers and stuff.

"Oh my god, Little Megan here is finally out of the bathroom."
"What were you doing in there?"
"Contemplating her life."
"There's nothing to really contemplate there."

I wanted to yell at them but I stayed looking at the ground.
"Okay, okay guys that's enough."
Katie tells them and they all give her a look.
"Oh come on Katie, it's just a joke."
"So is she."

"Guys, knock it off, come On let's go get food."
Katie walks down the stairs and they all turn their attention back to me.
I gulp as they glared at me.
As each of them walked by they threw a shoulder into me.

Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.

Once I was in the safety of my room I sat on my bed and ran my hands over my face.
Yet again I take another shaky breath and walk to the window.

My fidgety hands unlock the window and it opens from the wind.
It was dark outside, since it was past 9 o'clock.
I look out the window at the ground that was a few meters from the window.

I'm going to do this.
Everyone wants this to happen.
I want to do this.
I hoisted myself up into the window cil and the wind blows me hair back.

It was the warm wind of June that was my favorite.
As I was gaining the courage to finally jump my phone began to buzz.
I let the phone call go to voicemail only to get another phone call not even 30 seconds later.

I fall back from the ledge and regain my breath that I didn't know I was holding in.
I shake my head at myself for not jumping and go to answer my phone.

"Hello?" I ask, obvious pissed off at myself.
"Megan!"

I froze in place, I was not expecting him to call me.
"M-max?" I ask.

"Hey Meg! How's it going?"
Just about to jump out of a window. Other than that nothing much.
"Megan. Guess what!"
"What's up?"
I ask, he sounded very excited about what he was about to say.

"My parents have been talking to yours, I'm coming to stay for the summer!"
Oh my god no way?!?!
This is the best thing I've heard since, well ever!
"Oh my god are you serious Max??"
"Yeah! I'm coming next Saturday!"

Max was my best friend even when people where bullying me.
He was one of my favorite people ever, and one of the only people who actually made me feel wanted.

Every time I got bullied he would stick up for me.
He was right by my side 24/7.
That was till he moved to england at the end of our freshman year.

The bullying got worse without him.
But how could I tell him?
I didn't want him feeling responsible.
When he would ask me how I was doing, I would never tell him about the bullying. Actually, I told him I had a few friends and that I was doing good.

Now that he's coming back for the summer, it's going to be the best time!
"This is amazing Max! I'm so excited!"
"I miss you so much Meg,"
I hear someone talking in the other end and it sounded like him mom.

"Sorry Meg, I have to get going. I'll talk to you later alright?"
I nodded, then noticed he couldn't see me and I rolled my eyes at myself.

"Okay, I'll talk to you later Max."
He hung up and I toss my phone onto my bed and give out a big huff.

~

I brushed my long brown hair and tossed it into a messy bun.
I get into my bed and shake my head at myself.

My mind began to wonder to Max.
Did he save my life today?
I was going to jump out of that window until he called me.

I wouldn't be here if he didn't call me...
That is really weird to think of it like that.
I close my eyes.
Only 4 more days in the prison called school.
Let's do this Megan.

~