I Am Schizophrenic

Chapter Nine

Chapter Nine

Defeated; that’s what I felt. I wasn’t smart enough to win, the battle was too difficult for me. The looks from my mother, father and siblings to me were indescribable the previous night; pathetic but frightened, caring but neglecting. I fell into a black hole, and I didn’t know when was I going to stand up. Shocked, afraid and broken; what I also felt.

I finally awoke, finding myself in a big white room; I sat on the bed quickly, trying to study where I was. I was wearing white clothes, plain white. The whiteness of the room and my clothes, made me cold. It was too quiet, too dull..that I could hear my breaths. The room had one small bed, a table and three chairs. There was window as well, but when I went to see through it..it was closed, I even couldn’t see the outer world. It felt like prison, I tried to open the door but it was locked. The quietness frightened me; I recalled the previous night’s incidents, I fainted eventually, then I awoke finding myself here! I took a look at my wrist, it was bandaged, there was a bathroom too..it was white as well, but it had no mirrors, the entire room had no mirrors. Too white; I had a random thought about Jane Eyre, the novel by Charlotte Bronte..when Jane was locked in the “red-room”. Unlike Jane Eyre, I was locked in a white room. I lost hope in finding a way of communication to the outer world, so I slowly went back to my bed, and sat there, staring at the white ceiling for a while. I kept staring, maybe for hours; all I could hear was the clock, ‘tick-tock, tick-tock.’ It was like a melody, a nonstop song. My parents won the battle, and admitted me to a mental hospital. And my ‘sister’ Sarah, left me hanging there, as well as Jake. I felt so lonely and weak. After a quite interval of time, finally someone unlocked and opened the door. It was a lady—who looked very familiar to me; when I studied her features, I remember. It was Samantha Collins—the therapist. She came, and sat next to me on a chair, with pureness in her face, and a smile which never left her face.

“Hello, Christina.” She said in a clear, kind voice. It was weird, I’ve been in that room for hours and hadn’t heard a voice, so hearing her voice wasn’t familiar to me.

“Do you remember me?” she asked me. I nodded, I didn’t speak a word. With that much quietness, I was expecting to be mute eventually.

“How are you?” she asked again.

I swallowed and prepared my tongue to speak, with a weak voice I said “Alive.”

She bit her lips, looking at me sympathetically and said “You have to understand that being here is for your own good.”

“You won; and you brought me here. So, it’s not important for you if I understand or not.”

“No, Christina; the most importantly is to be convinced as a patient.”

“A patient; wow.” I chuckled sarcastically, then continued “You ruined my future.”

“Not at all, we’re building it here. If you were kept like that with no help, your future was going to be definitely ruined.”

“Where’s my family?” I asked her. I was concerned about them, thinking that they would hate me now, especially my father.

“They were here and just left. You’ll have to stay a while without seeing them.”

I sighed disappointedly.

“Tell me, Tina; what happened last night?” she asked me.

It took me seconds, thinking whether to tell her or not. But I concluded that the best thing was to tell her; as I was defeated anyways. I detailed her everything, about what happened with Jake, then Sarah, and how Sarah kept telling me to kill my father. She listened carefully, while writing done notes. I told her how awful I felt, and how regretful as well. I told her that I hoped my family would forgive me; and that deep inside of me, I loved them. I mentioned my shock in my sister, Sarah, and how disappointed I was when Jake left me. When I finished, she looked at me carefully then said;