I Am Schizophrenic

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Seventeen 

   As I sat on the armchair, seeking it’s warmth—hoping it’d warm the coldness in my soul up; I took a sip of my coffee, while a cold, lonely tear escaped my eye—going down my cheek and left. The rest of that tear’s friends watched it fall, whilst they were still frozen in my red, tired eyes—unable to move and unable to speak. As I held the warm cup of coffee in my hand, I started thinking—where do I belong? I, 17 year old schizophrenic Christina Evans, where do I belong? And until when would I keep hiding from the world? Was I hiding because I feared them? Or was it because I didn’t belong there? Who do I belong to? Did I belong to my family—my selfish family in California? Or did I belong to Eliza Ronald, who’s supposedly my best friend, who left me go on my own and chose her boyfriend over me? Did I belong to Derrick, my lab partner who let me stay at his apartment in Virginia then confessed his love for me? Did I belong to Jake—who was the only guy who cared for me and the only guy I’ve ever loved? But where were all those people now? Gone. That’s what people do, they come into your life then leave, either by their own will or by external forces. I had to survive, survive my inner conflict, my circumstances and the voices. It was like I was in a big forest, alone and defenseless and wild animals were surrounding me from each angle; either they kill me or I would find a way and kill them.

   A remarkable while had passed as I stayed at Trent Collin’s house—the stranger who saved me from the drunk guys who harassed me the night I arrived to New York and he offered me to stay at his house until I find a place. Honestly, I wasn’t feeling comfortable staying there, but it was temporary. I tried to learn about Trent, his occupation and everything. But all I knew that he lived with his girlfriend, Rae and his job was ‘to make deals for people’. It crossed my mind that he might have been a drug dealer but for some reason, he didn’t look so. I guess I had no choice but to stay and figure him out.

   “You, kid. Go do the dishes, you’re not staying at a hotel.” Rae, Trent’s girlfriend sharply demanded me. I felt humiliated, but she was right. All I did was stay at the house and did absolutely nothing. I had to help with anything.

    “Sure.” I replied without a blink got up to wash the dishes. 

   I did what she told me and started to do the dishes. It was like a huge, dirty mountain of dishes and glasses that had wine in them. If it were animals who lived here, they wouldn’t have been as dirty as you! I thought while I disgustingly did the dishes. I picked up a dirty, sharp knife to wash it then I felt that something had abruptly interfered my thoughts. A noise. I shook my head and tried to focus again, but the noise had gotten louder and clearer, it wasn’t any noise, it was a clear voice. I felt that all external noises had stopped for a second, leaving the space to the voice in my mind to speak.

   “Christina, Christina. Disgusted little Christina, this looks like a good, sharp knife! Sharp enough to stab this annoying woman who dislikes you.”

   “Stop.” I murmured.

   “Oh, girl. Don’t be like that! You know you want to, stab her and see the look of shock and fear in her little evil eyes! See the blood pouring from her body and see her lie as breathless as a useless rock!” 

   It was unstoppable, the unfamiliar voice in my head kept whispering me to kill Rae and stab her with the knife in my hand. I tried closing my eyes and pushing that devilish voice out of my head “I said stop.”

   “Do it! Now! Kill her! Kill, kill, kill!” 

   The word ‘kill’ kept echoing, as noisy as an old rusty machine—as an annoying morning alarm. I felt hot blood moving in my veins with a sudden headache and with all my power I almost screamed “I said stop!” For some unexplained reason, the knife in my hand reached my palm and cut a part of it. Astonishingly, I threw the knife in the sink and reached for the water to clean my cut, but it was deep—a vein might have been scratched or something. I left my hand under the tap for some minutes, then tied it with a handkerchief and went upstairs to my room.