Silently Falling

Chapter Thirty One (Edited 1/17/2021)

I still have anger towards West and his actions, and that's completely justifiable. I put all of my trust in him only to have it seemingly thrown back in my face as if to say "take it back, I don't want it!" Or, at least that's how it felt in the moment. After hours to cool off and reassess, I can open my eyes a little wider and try to see his side of things. In the moment, I was still trying to calm down from the events of the party; still trying to wipe away the filthy feeling of Warren's hands all over me and his repulsive breath on my face. And my way of clutching onto safety was to clutch onto West. My emotions were heightened after everything and it was just poor timing to tell me a confession like that.

That doesn't mean I'm any less hurt by what he did. He still knew my secret and never told me, and if that isn't enough to upset me, he threatened to tell the school. I know Toby said to trust West and that it's clear he never would have followed through with the threat, but the sheer fact he used it to any sort of advantage still hurts. Warren is my demon to deal with. I've done it for the last three years and I didn't need West to try and play the hero. But, I know it wasn't right of me to make West leave without giving him a fair shot at explaining himself. I need to hear his side of things now that I have a clear head; because our conversation earlier is becoming jumbled in my mind and I can't recall the specific words he said. Only my angry responses.

I toss Mr. Buttons to the side and reach for my phone that's charging on my nightstand, cringing away from the brightness until it auto-checks itself and flies down to a dull glow to contrast the darkness in my room. 1:37 A.M. I feel like I've been tossing and turning for half the night, but in reality it's only been an hour and a half.

My eyes drift from the white numbers at the head of my screen to the picture below. It's of me and West, believe it or not. Alyse was sneaky with her photography skills one night and snapped it when we were all hanging out at my house; West and I are sitting side by side on the couch with his arm draped across the back, practically around me with the way I'm leaning into him. I'm signing something to him and his face is pulled into a cute look of puzzlement as he tries to follow along. After my frustrated outburst earlier today about how he can't keep up with my signs, maybe this should make me sad. Instead, it makes me grin when I notice the stern look of concentration on his features. There's a reason he picked up ASL so quickly; he never gave up when my lessons got too hard. He was determined to learn as much as he could every time I sat down to teach him.

Alyse sent it to me directly after taking it, trying to be discreet but failing to realize that my phone was sitting face up on my lap. The ding of her text stole both mine and West's attention away from my ASL and down to my phone. I've never seen him smirk so damn much than those few minutes where he tried to take my phone to look at the picture with Alyse's caption saying "could you two be any cuter?" He made it my wallpaper and I planned to change it immediately, but he kept my phone from me for the rest of the night so I never got the chance. And, even after everyone left, I never changed it back.

I sigh deeply and roll back over with my phone, resting it down as I pull Mr. Buttons back into my arms and snuggle my cheek into his once soft plush. It's nowhere near as silky or smooth as it was back when I was a kid, and the warmth it once provided doesn't have the same effect anymore either. Or maybe I'm comparing him to the warmth that West gave when he took over Mr. Buttons' job last night and stayed with me to ensure I could fall asleep. I don't think anything can even come remotely close to the safety and security I feel when he hugs me, and when he looks at me with those big, brown eyes...it stirs something in my stomach that makes my entire body flood with a sense of comfort I don't think I'll find anywhere else. I don't want to find it anywhere else.

I shift onto my back and stare at my ceiling. I wonder what West is doing right now. Was he able to fall asleep? Did he go home and act like nothing happened to make sure Libba and Casper didn't worry? Did she see right through his tough-guy act and pester him to tell her the truth, lecturing him about keeping my secret, well, a secret from me? Is he staring at his phone's wallpaper that holds the same photo, thinking that I hate him?